Is it just a phase?

June 26, 2009

The whole BDSM thing has been going swimmingly but there have been ups and downs, and some quite significant downs too! There were a couple of times when he questioned if he really wanted BDSM anymore or if it had just been a passing phase. At first I took that hard. All the months of psychological anguish and processing and development and hard yards… now I really enjoyed it and he was saying it was all for nothing?! No freaking way! I wasn’t about to let that happen! But a part of me felt he was just feeling down and confused. He loved it so much there is no way it was just a phase. And besides, just because you’re into it doesn’t mean you have to want it all the time! there’s bound to be times when it just doesn’t work for you for numerous possible reasons. I told him my thoughts and was convinced I was right. Sure enough, a little while later I’d spank him and he’d instantly melt with a smile on his face. I knew he was in too deep to be just a phase.

But a few months later he was questioning it again. The times he questioned BDSM were difficult times. He was quite down – whether that was because he was questioning BDSM, or he was questioning BDSM because he was down we don’t know (but I suspect a bit of both if not predominantly the latter). It was difficult seeing him so down. So sad. It was as though he had resigned himself to the fact that it had just been a phase and he was mourning the loss of his interest, and the loss of that part of our relationship.

The second time I didnt feel defensive or resentful. I had grown. I reassured him that I didn’t care if we never played again, as long as I had him. He indicated that was concerned that because our relationship grew from the time I told him about the play party, and grew around us exploring BDSM together, that losing BDSM would adversely affect our relationship. I was adament that I didnt NEED BDSM in my life and that we could always develop other interests we could share as a couple (like, I dunno… maybe sex? hehe). But then he dropped the bombshell… he wasnt worried that I would lose interest in him if he wasn’t into BDSM any more, he was worried that he would lose interest in me!!! OMG! *cue tears* Was he crazy? I’m about ready to give up BDSM cos I love him so much, and I had already given up sex for him, and he is telling me that perhaps without BDSM he wouldn’t want me any more? I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. This was NOT what I was expecting to hear. I had been lovingly reassuring him it was OK and that I loved him more than anything and then he tells me that?! This just didnt seem to fit with my view on our relationship. We got on so well. I was staying at his place almost every night. He seemed to adore me when we would go out with friends. He seemed just in love with me as I was with him. I quietly panicked on the inside that this wasn’t as serious as I had thought. I thought I had found the one. But this just wasn’t measuring up!

I asked him questions to gauge how he felt about me. I encouraged him to explore evidence for and against his fear that he wasn’t into BDSM any more, and for and against the possibility that he would lose interest in me should we no longer play. I asked him about periods of time when we hadn’t had a proper session for a couple of weeks. Had he been bored? Uninterested? Not enjoyed my company as much? “No”, he said. He had not been bored and uninterested in me. He had not felt differently towards me during those times. “So why then would you be uninterested in me if we stopped playing now, if evidence so far indicates that you have not lost interest when BDSM is absent?”. He couldn’t answer that. He could see what I was saying but the logical was of no comfort to him. And that’s when I decided this was an emotional problem and not a problem of loss of interest in BDSM or potential loss of interest in me. This was mood induced. If he didn’t have logic or evidence then the only thing propelling his worries was his emotions. He had no reason to fear what he did, except for the age old doubt “but, what if…”. As a psychologist, I know very well that just because we feel something, doesn’t make it true. You might be worried about something but that doesn’t mean it is something of concern. Often when emotions slide into the depths people, being rational creatures, search for possible explanations to explain the emotions. Anything slightly tangible can become the “uh-huh! that must be it!” and the worry then takes on a life of its own, artificially linked with the negative emotion. There was little I could do but ride it out with him.

Sure enough, it wasn’t long before it was obvious to him just how much he enjoyed spanking. His mood was back to normal and things were just peachy!

Moral of the story: don’t place unrealistic expectations on yourself. Allow yourself to not desire BDSM all day, every day. Give yourself permission to take a break when you don’t feel like it. Life is not black and white. It isn’t an either or. Let it ebb and flow. Don’t fight the tide, just float along with it :)

So its been quite some time since either of us have written a blog. Unfortunately, work commitments have kept me overly occupied. Fear not, I intend to write more once those commitments die down a bit.

Well we may have been quiet on the blog but that isnt to say we have been quiet in real life!

A lot has happened since the last post. We stopped having sex altogether after having a very honest discussion about wants and needs and feelings. He was comfortable with BDSM but not with sex. I handed over the reins of that completely and promised to keep my hands to myself to allow him the space he needed to get his head around things. wow, did that change things!

3 months of abstinence kind of drove me crazy, but at the same time it seemed to help me slow down my brain and begin to really enjoy the smaller things so much more. It reminded me of when I was first discovering my sexuality. It was more pure, more exciting, and most important, more loving. Despite the the absence of sex, the knowledge I gleaned from our heart to heart meant I no longer felt insecure about about what the lack of sex meant. I cant stress enough the of important complete honesty and openness is in a relationship!

So sex is back on the agenda, and while its still a rare treat for me, at least I know he isnt doing it only because he feels he has to. It may not be as often as I’d ideally like but I feel I have calmed down and now it is easier to go without it – its more important to me that he is comfortable and happy. I dont want him to touch me to keep me happy, I want him to WANT to explore my body, to be be turned on and driven to touch me. I want HIM to enjoy touching me. Mind you, I said he could have all the time in the world he needed and I would wait, but that he couldn’t just use that as an escape route to never have sex again. He could have all the time he needed on condition he worked on his issues, and of course he was OK with that, he even said it would be disrespectful not to. So that meant my worries about our sex life pretty much faded into the background. I felt so much more secure and patient in the knowledge and the intimacy that such a deep, heart felt talk provided… Now all we need to do is help get him to a place where he enjoys and wants it (as much as me hehe).

Hit or Miss

December 30, 2008

Many apologies for the lack of posts recently. It sure has been the silly season and Mr Vanilla Spanko has been super busy with work.

We havent played as much as we would like, which is probably in part to do with placing priority on fostering our sexual realtionship, which seemed to be taking a back seat to BDSM. It sure has been nice to focus some more on intimacy and helping him enjoy sex… and now he does. Yay! But that doesnt mean he doesnt still have a running tally and cop the occasional short smacking session. Why, after seeing a movie I couldnt resist pushing him agaisnt the back of his car in the mall’s carpark, with his arms stretched out supporting himself, and gave him several strikes with my hand. Now that was a buzz. I’d always wanted to push him against a car and work him. Bit of a thrill wondering if anyone had seen!

Anyways… back to the topic of this post… hit or miss. Thought it was time to write a post about BDSM not working quite so well. Through no fault on either side, sometimes things just dont quite work.

I’d warned him that he was going to have a weekend detention and that he needed me to “teach him a lesson”. So the following weekend he helped dress me into a tight busines like skirt, a white business shirt, and a black underbust corset. I even wore reading glasses to help add to the look. I was trying hard to set the scene with what I said… detention, naughty boy and other school related talk. I dont know what it was. Maybe neither of us were in the right mood? Maybe we played because we had both wanted to, but not becuase we were both in the right “space”. I told him “the sooner you get this over with, the sooner you can…. go home” and then i couldnt help but laugh. We WERE home! Our little weekend detention was taking place on HIS BED!!! Perhaps he was right, perhaps we needed a separate room with a desk to help get him in his space. Part of his punishment was for incessant swearing. I told him he could not speak to his teacher that way. But then I would let some swear words slip out myself. Even called him “honey” and “baby” a few times accidentally – certainly no way to speak to your student!

I felt bad I hadnt given him a long session in awhile, so while I started with the cane, followed by the crop, I proceeded to use several floggers. I wanted to spend some decent time on him. I really wanted to get him to subbie space and I knew a few whacks with a cane wouldn’t do the trick. But later he told me floggers don’t really fit the whole “teacher/ student” scene so he had trouble getting into his role.

At one stage, I can’t even remember what it was about, he burst out laughing and I couldn’t tell if he was laughing or crying. It seemed a bit of both. He told me he was fine but that was difficult for me to judge. it freaked me out. Should I stop incase he isn’t fine? Should I take his word, and keep going… I think he could take more. I kept going, and turned out he was fine. Laughing, and a few little tears. But who hasnt cried with laughter? It’s just not meant to happen at the hands of your misstress!!!

We havent had a big session since, and to bhonest, I feel a little selfconscious and nervous after the way the last one went.

Mind you, the afternnoon finished whim him “handing in his homework” for me to view. (ie. he got himself off infront of me for the first time). Now that was special. And that certainly worked ;)

Role-playing list

December 4, 2008

Just been doing some … research, and thinking – coming up with a list of possible scenarios for D&S role playing, specifically with f/m B&D in mind :)

  • Prison warden / Prisoner
  • Boss / Employee (administration, hospitality etc)
  • Police / Law-breaker (side of the road, at the station, after sentencing etc)
  • Teacher / Student
  • Shop owner / Shop-lifter
  • Wife / Husband (home late, flirting, watching porn etc)
  • House owner / Cleaner or handyman
  • Tribal chief (matriarchal) / subject

Any other ideas?

In other news, I can’t believe I got the paddle 10 times last night for forgetting to make a phone call!

Cop that!

November 24, 2008

I knew he had a thing for domestic discipline and corporal punishment, so I decided to search for a sexy cop outfit. I spent ages searching for the perfect one and once I ordered it online I began taunting him about what I had bought. I told him I had spent nearly $100 on something for play. I told him that it wasnt something he would use. When it arrived he was interstate so I sent a photo of the package to his phone so he could see the size of it. Then I told him I had to check if it “worked” (ie fitted). I spent the next week enjoying dropping hints about the what I had bought, but only hints I knew wouldnt allow him to guess what it was. We scheduled Wednesday afternoon in for play and I had told him it would take me awhile to set it up.

I asked him to check his letter box again before coming in. This time he would find a letter – a “Notice of infringement”.

“Dear Mr Vanilla Spanko. Your vehicle was recorded on some day(s) this week, on some road in the state, doing a speed in excess of the speed limit. You are hereby summonsed to attend court presided by Mistress VS on (date) at (location) where your punishment will be determined. Please proceed to the entrance from whereupon you will be escorted. Yours sincerely, Ms Vanilla Spankos, Jurisdiction of the Kinky Counsel”.

When he arrived home I raced to the door and peered through the peep hole and watched him giggle as he read the letter. He approached the door giggling. I felt so vulnerable! I felt like a turkey dressed up at Christmas… only it wasnt Christmas! My worst fear was that he would take one look at me and laugh. I told him I wouldnt let him in until he stopped laughing. He regained composure, and still nervous as hell I let him in, hiding myself behind the door as I opened it. The I directed him to put his hands up against the wall and I asked if he was carrying any weapons on his body. He said no so I patted him down and then opened his bag and pulled out the new paddle I knew he had brought home that afternoon. “Whats this? I thought you werent carrying a weapon”.

He told me earlier in the day that he had had a very stressful time at work. So I revised my plan for the afternoon and decided to take things slowly to help him get into his subbie role. I ordered him to strip then and there and then I walked him with his hands behind his back to the bathroom where I ordered him to shower with the curtain open so I could observe him.

After the shower I instructed him to kneel before me And I told him that the court was open to persuasion should he think of anything he could do which may help his case. He seemed confused. I tried to clarify by indicating that should he think of anything he could do to please me then his punishment may be reduced. He still seemed confused and seemed to panic. He suggested he could kiss my feet so I allowed him to do this, then subtracted one from his tally. When I asked if there was anything else he really freaked out “like what?”. He was unable to think of anything else and seemed quite stressed about the pressure so I told him that we would begin the punishment but that he would have another opportunity to better his case later on.

I worked him for a long time. Somewhere close to 45 minutes. I used a large number of implements including the crop, two floggers, the new paddle, a strap, a sensual chain and my hand.

But I have a feeling he will again run into trouble with the law ;)

Sheriff’s in town

November 18, 2008

Letter requesting attendance at court

I had previously anticipated this Wednesday evening – a special session, one she had primed me for with the fear of punishment having ordered me to write down all my misdemeanours from the Sunday till that Wednesday night. I did so, although I failed to email her that list by midday Wednesday as she had also ordered. I paid for that forgetfulness later – although as it so happens I was at the post office picking up our new paddle when she texted me to let me know I had forgotten to send her the list. Ironic.

So I knew she’d bought something that she was planning to use that evening – something that “took a long time to set up”. I had no idea. I thought butt plug, strap-on … but I knew I was wrong, I knew I wouldn’t be able to guess.

I get home Wednesday around 6pm. A text message as I pull up ordering me to check the letter box. I do so, expecting to find the collar with a note that would require me to humilate myself even more than last time (did I mention a neighbour actually saw me putting the collar on for that other session). Not the case. Instead just a printed note (which you can see a bit of at the top of this blog post) … a Summons from the “court” ordering me to present myself for punishment for the crimes of speeding – a crime I had indeed confessed to in my manifest of misdemenours (which although I missed the deadline for I still ended up delivering).

I sidle on up to the door and knock nervously – and start giggling. She’s on the other side of the door, and also starts giggling. Doesn’t do much for setting the mood or me getting into my subbie role. Eventually we calm down and she lets me into the house. I walk into the room, she’s behind the door and closes it after me – and I turn around to see her dressed in a forest green police sherrif’s uniform – well, a variation of; a sexy single piece tight top and short skirt, complete with the sunglasses and fishnet stockings. Yum.

Up against the door I go and I’m ordered to strip off. Completely. Luckily she’s merciful enough to not launch straight into anything as I’d texted ahead to let her know I’d had a crap day at work and would appreciate some consideration. So she sends me off the shower – and I shower, while she stands in the bathroom and watches me. I feel a little self-concious.

Out of the shower, dry off. Into the lounge, naked. Forced to my knees. Hands cuffed behind my back.

“How many are you getting”

“19”

She alludes to the possibility that the “court” may be subject to … persuasion.

“What are you willing to do to get some taken off your tally?”

What does she mean? What can I do?

I kiss her feet.

“That’s one off. Anything else?”

Not that I can think of. So over the arm of the lounge I go, my legs spread, face down in the cushions.

She works me over with the floggers, riding crop (which she got me up to a nine with several times) and the new paddle. For the purposes of my punishment her hand and the new paddle contributed to the tally, so interspersed with other implements she slowly worked down through the 19. Off to the bedroom for the last few.

Afterwards, the cuffs came off and we cuddled :)

New toy!

November 13, 2008

I will write a longer account of our session last night later on, but this is just to show off our new toy from The London Tanners which turned up just in time for last night’s session; a Junior Spanking Paddle with a photo below showing the paddle and the stitching on the back of the handle:

Junior Spanking Paddle

It really is a nice paddle – the flexibility and size of it gives it a great swiping action and it feels good too, fairly light – something you could take quite a few smacks with.

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