I’m madly in love with my boy and I have absolutely no desire to Domme anyone else. Fortunately for me, my boy thinks likewise (he doesn’t want to be sub to anyone other than me). I think a large part of the reason BDSM works for us is because its with each other – someone we love passionately. It is the object of our desire who inflicts/receives the power play, and that is what makes it such a turn on.

I was surprised recently when a friend of my boy insinuated that he had served her (he hadn’t). I was surprised at just how uncomfortable I felt with that notion. In a sense, the idea of him being sub to anyone else was worse than the idea of him cheating, as him subbing involves his mind and handing over power, and has to be THE most intimate, trust filled experiences I’ve shared with anyone. Sex on the other hand can be dissociated and reduced to a mere physically enjoyable act. (Not that I’m advocating cheating – I know how painful even a purely physically cheating can hurt).

Having decided we dont wish to play with others, we still enjoy attending the occasional play party. We play with each other and a part of us enjoys being watched and the humiliation of him being dominated in front of others. But we decided that we will only attend parties together - not on our own. And as odd as this may sound (heck it even sounds odd to me!), while we dont want to play with others, he and I will play with the resident Dom and Domme at the dungeon. I know I cant possibly give my boy a session like he could get from a resident Dom or Domme so I am happy to let him be worked on by them – I know them and trust them – and they don’t make it sexual. My boy is my sub so he will never be Dom to me. So sometimes I will sub to the resident Dom at the dungeon. My boy is fine with this, and the Dom reckons he loves watching me get spanked and flogged!

But, to me, the most important part about us playing with the Dom and Domme is that we are still doing it as a COUPLE! It isnt merely a selfish act of getting something we want. Its a caring act where one of us wants the other to have such an experience, and we share the experience by both being present. Whats more, we are always both involved. While the Dom/me does the flogging, each of us will be involved with the sensual side and hug and kiss and caress each other during these sessions. In fact, one of the kinkiest sessions we had involved my boy cuffed to the flogging wall, with me between the wall and him so I could kiss him and bite him and hold him. Every now and then the Dom would aim for a part of my body protruding out from under my boy. I would tease the Dom stick my side out, and the Dom would hit me instead of my boy. While the Dom was flogging my boy there was something incredibly exciting about the position I was in where the Dom could hit me at any moment. I was truly a part of my boy’s experience. By gosh did I love that session!!!

Read an interesting blog post “Headology” by This Girl; about subbie space, which prompted me to leave a comment. Thought I should also post my thoughts here.

On spacing

I have never spaced and I don’t know if I ever will. I have watched my sub/boyfriend space and he just melts. Watching him in that state is incredible and I just wish that I could also experience it. I have to admit to feeling jealous.

One time at the dungeon when I was on the wall being flogged the master stopped before I really wanted him to. I felt I was getting more relaxed and more into the eroticism (which is a big part of BDSM for me). I had really been focusing on letting go. I don’t know if I was just getting more into it, or if i might have flown away should master have gone longer or harder. He said we will do that again and see if we can get me there. I’d really like to experience it.

Topping (yes please)

But I must say a large part of me wonders if I don’t reach subbie space because the person working me isn’t the one I love. When my bf tops it blows me away. Not spacing. But wow I love it! Seeing him all confident and forceful makes me melt and desperate for more. As soon as he appears aggressive it’s like a switch in my mind has been turned on (and its not the only thing turned on! lol). I love my boy so much. Seeing him aggressive – knowing what he wants and doing what he wants drives me wild.

The other weekend we were mucking around and spontaneously he got all Top on me. OH MY GOD! “take me! take me now”!!! He was so confident – there was no hesitation in his voice or his actions. He was forceful and utterly believable. He held my arms down on the bed. He made me roll over. Heavens I cant even remember everything he did. All I remember really is how excited I was, physically and intellectually by this side of my boy. I have to say it was one of the most highly erotic experiences ever – until my dog decided to join in by licking the side of my neck my boy wasn’t licking. Now I love my dog, really I do. But right then I could have killed him! My boy and I both cracked up laughing and the mood was gone. :(

Last night, several hours after my session on him, he got all Top again. Mmmm mmmm! All he has to do is place his hands on my cheeks and turn my head slightly and I’m silently begging for more. He sat on top of me and I looked up at him desiring him to do as he pleased with me. Now unlike my boy, I’m not so much into the pain aspect of BDSM. I like bondage and restraint, I like the power play, and I love the sensual play. So when he gets all top I find myself hoping he will use me sexually. I love it when he talks dirty to me. Last night he called me filthy. To which I replied “I’m only as filthy as your d!ck!” – the thought of which only turned me on more! When he calls me a b!tch I tell him to say it louder. I want him to whisper nasty things in my ear, I want him to tell me from above. Most of all I want him to make me give it to him. And that’s if he doesn’t take it for himself ;)

I’m so proud of my boy and how much confidence he has gained in the bedroom department. I can’t wait to see where it takes us! Blow me away!

So, exploring the psychological challenges I’ve faced on my journey of discovery of BDSM I think its essential I share my fears regarding vanilla v’s kink.

When we first got together I was well acquainted with vanilla sex. I had been in several long term relationships and had the odd dalliance with those more casual. He, on the other hand, was a fresh little cherry, ripe for the picking.

Alternatively, I had had little previous exposure to BDSM while he had several years under his belt of saturating himself in the spanking world. He knew all the terms, he used acronyms which made no sense to me.

So, if you tend to want more of the things you are most comfortable with and used to, I guess you could say we were coming from two different perspectives. I wanted vanilla sexual experiences with a bit of BDSM on the side. He wanted BDSM and sex was not a priority. I guess this difference was bound to create some sort of issue between us.

The issue presented itself to me in the form of insecurity. Now you’re all probably rolling your eyes and hating the fact girls seem to have so many insecurities. I hate it too! I spent many months fighting these thoughts and fears mostly on my own – I did not want to make him feel pressured to go from 0-100miles an hour in the vanilla sexual stakes.

In some ways, going slowly has been an absolute gift. It sure beats the usual “kiss, f@ck, and get the guy off” routine from so many previous vanilla relationships. Focusing on the small physical pleasures is empowering. I treasure the extended foreplay. But when foreplay doesn’t lead to sex, as is what I’m used to… and when BDSM play is always on the cards, but foreplay and sex isn’t… I find it all too easy to worry his BDSM kink is more of a fetish – that is, its the only thing he wants, and that perhaps he doesn’t want me and my body in a vanilla way?

So you can imagine. He goes to great effort to do a BDSM session on me. I get all excited and he ended up uninterested. I desperately wanted to be intimate with him after having been away, and he said he wasn’t in the mood. I cried. I felt so lonely. So scared. In essence, I felt rejected.

Once again, it just shows the importance of communicating. While I felt desperately sad and scared he wasnt interested in vanilla with me, he told me that its not the case, but that he has his own issues regarding sex to work through. I explained that if he told me what those issues where then maybe I could help, and at the very least not feel like it was because of ME. The very knowledge that he has issues regarding sex gave me some level of understanding, as I had thought he had resolved them.

So i really cant stress enough – SHARE EVERYTHING! If you have an issue, talk to them about it. But make sure you own it. Dont hang it on the other person. Claim it as your issue. “I feel”. This doesnt mean that you cant discuss ways the other person could help lessen your issue, if their behaviour is impacting on it. It’s not absolving them from all responsibility. But its being wise enough to understand that just because you feel a certain way, doesnt make it true. And even if the other person’s issue is irrational, or unfounded, you can still reach out to the other person and let them know you care about their feelings, even if you dont understand their concern.

So – how did we resolve our difference in appetites for vanilla v’s BDSM? Well – i guess thats a work in progress. I expect that as he works through his issues regarding sex, and as it becomes more familiar to him that his interest in it will grow. I clutch at that belief with all my might LOL! I know how far he has progressed in the past few months, from only getting turned on from being spanked, to getting turned on at the drop of a hat! I have to continue to be understanding that he needs time and patience. He needs to be compassionate towards my insecurities and offer some kind of reassurance while we continue to take things slowly. In other words, we both need to be mindful of each others needs, and find ways to address those needs, even if we are currently unable to meet them.

3 vital ingredients for a successful relationship:

1. Good COMMUNICATION

2. Empathy – put yourself in their place and care about their well being

3. Compassion – make allowances for issues to arise, take the other persons’ concerns on board, and allow for the other person to go through rough patches… and reach out to them when they do!  Love and accept them even WITH their flaws.

It all started a couple of years ago when I first met Him. He was cute, funny, witty, and so many other superlatives. It wasn’t long before I decided I had a crush on him. We seemed to have a lot of laughs. We had some deep conversations about life and love and he even confided in me his secret penchant for spankings. That sparked even more interest in my eyes as I had always found a bit of force and bondage exciting, and had attended a lesson on whipping/flogging. Of course I offered to make all his dreams come true. Due to various circumstances we wont bore you with, he felt the need to push me away. I’m a stubborn old cow though and don’t let go of friendships easily. After a long time I gave up on maintaining our infrequent contact. However, i still quite frequently thought about him.

Then one day after talking to a male friend about me wanting to go and check out a BDSM play party, my male friend agreed to protect me while we checked out this “underworld”. So off we went to observe. Lots of friendly people dressed up as all sorts. Female subs, Dommes, male subs and Doms, and trannies and people whose play preferences eluded me. We met a friendly “normal” seeming guy and talking with him helped me feel at ease in an environment drastically different from anything I had known.

Later in the night I gave into friendly coaxing and had a go on both the flogging wall and the spanking horse. I was so nervous and scared I spent the whole time trying to distract myself from the sensations. Needless to say it was in no way erotic. If the Dom hadn’t read me so well I’d have called “orange”. However, when in the safe position of a mere observer I was able to experience some level of sexual excitement by it all. But after several hours it was time for my friend and I to leave.

As soon as I got home I jumped online and sent Him an email. Having not had any contact with Him for several months I wasn’t even expecting a reply. But I simply had to share my experience with Him and I just knew this was a place he would want to visit. I told him where I had been and what I had done, and suggested that given his interest in these things, he should really go along one day and try it all for real.

The next day, to my surprise, He had replied, and even expressed an interest in going. I again bit the bullet, never expecting him to “come to the party” and I mentioned I was going out again the next week for a private chat and play and invited him to come with me. HE AGREED TO COME! He explained his previous circumstances and apologised for pushing me away. Apology accepted, water under the bridge – I was just happy he expressed an interest in resuming our friendship.

Obviously, if I was going to be able to play with Him in the same room the following weekend I was going to have to get comfortable with him, fast! Not being one to be shy (where does shyness ever get you?) I asked what he was doing that coming Friday night, and promptly invited myself over with the intention of a few drinks and getting to know Him (and his body) much better!

Throughout the week we flirted and got nervous. We talked about rules (safe words and off limit activities). Having been single for 6 months after an emotionally abusive relationship, I was for the first time enjoying my singledom and truly learning to be happy as myself. So I told him that if we played it didn’t mean we were “together”. It just meant that we played.

Friday very quickly rolled around and my heart rate was through the roof. We washed down some drinks to steady the nerves and after many hours of building up the courage I told him to shut his eyes and hold out his hands. And then I handcuffed him. Then I was too nervous to do anything else. After a few minutes composing ourselves I took him by the cuffs and led him to his bedroom where I told him to lie on his bed on his tummy. I climbed up and caressed his fully clothed bum. So yum! I had been eyeing off that bum all night, desperately wanting to squeeze it. Then i started to hit it. It was short and sweet and I led him back to the couch. The rest is a bit hazy but we talked and I learnt that he hadn’t been disinterested in me in the years before after all. I was excited by this but also thought he only wanted play. We were up until 5am kissing and hugging and taking things slowly. Then it hit me that we were going to the BDSM place to play that afternoon. Emotions flooded me. I had so been looking forward to going. But now I found myself overcome with emotion toward Him and feeling like i didn’t want to play with anyone else. So, believing in being upfront, I told him that this didn’t feel casual to me at all. He seemed OK with my revelation but we didn’t define where we were at.

We went to the BDSM place – His first time at such a place. I put a collar on him and he just melted. He immediately transcended to another world. He received a flogging by the resident Dom and was sent swiftly into subbie space. After the flogging he fell lovingly into my arms and we cuddled for a long time. Watching him through that process was amazing. I had a flogging too and while I lapped up the sensual aspects of the non painful parts, and while I pushed through my pain barriers it just didn’t have that effect on me.

Later He left as He was due elsewhere and I stayed on and chatted to the Dom. I cried. I was desperately scared. Before He had left we had chatted briefly and established that we both felt something for each other. Here was this guy I had liked, who now liked me back. We’d had an amazing 24 hours and I was fast falling for this guy. And yet here I was in a dungeon, listening to talk about me being Domme and my role with Him being my sub. “Do this” “do that”, “don’t do this”… I was constantly told that he was one of the most natural subs they had seen and that BDSM would be a big part of his life. But i couldn’t help thinking “but I found BDSM for a bit of exciting kink… I wasn’t seeking a way of life.” I was petrified that I wanted to experiment and sample BDSM and the guy I was desperately keen on was going to need a lot more than I could offer. I felt inadequate, inferior. While it had been me that first went to the BDSM place because I was genuinely interested, I felt like a fake, like I wasn’t one of “them” – I wasn’t hardcore like my new man obviously was. On top of that, as I mentioned earlier, I was keen on bondage. But here I was being told that my man would NEVER be Dom to me. I didn’t fully understand the terms, and at that stage I didn’t even know about top/bottom. So to hear this crushed all my dreams of being restrained or him using some force on me. I was so scared that this incredible journey he and I had just embarked on was going to come crumbling down to him going it alone.

Then we decided over SMS that we were officially together as a couple. My fears were just going to have to wait a while!

I know this might seem a bit weird having a diagram and all but it was the best way I could think of to explain how our relationship works with its blend of vanilla and BDSM, domme/sub and switching.

First and foremost we consider ourselves to be in a “normal” vanilla relationship, just boyfriend and girlfriend. Equals. We talk about things, we do things together, have sex, watch movies, help each other, support each other, are cheeky brats to each other.

Our BDSM activities are basically things we do when we’re in the mood or planned sessions like I did with her (yeah I’m going to stop capitalising “her” now) the other night which I’ll write about later.

It works something like this:

Basically three levels – vanilla, top/bottom and domme/sub. The switching part of it is that sometimes I’m Top and she is bottom, but above that she is Domme and I am sub. So basically Domme overrides Top – but we have rules for that to avoid clashes and confusion.

If she is Domme or I am Top at any point in time the other person cannot go Domme or Top. She can’t go straight from bottom to Domme and I can’t go straight from sub to Top. Everything returns to vanilla first.

It’s pretty easy for her to assert her role as Domme when she wants to go to that level – as long as she’s not currently bottom. If she takes things to that level then I’m sub until she releases me from that. If I want to Top then basically the rule is if I go get an implement then that’s the signal that I want to go Top.

That works because for me, going Top is essentially spanking – usually discipline or me just wanting to smack her for the fun of it. It’s more complicate for Domme/sub because she does more stuff with me like making her doing her ironing, dressing her etc but that works fine because Domme is ultimate in this relationship and when she goes Domme then that’s it. If I want to Top (to get her back) I have to wait till she releases me, we return to vanilla … for a bit, and then I can. Though usually it would be a couple of hours or even overnight for the subbie comedown before I feel able to switch from sub to Top.

The longest Top/bottom session I’ve done so far was what I did with her the other night – which I’ll blog about later which lasted just under an hour, but typically just going Top for a quick spanking would be over in 5 minutes. Domme/sub sessions can last a bit longer and go a couple of hours if she’s making me do stuff. Afterwards everything returns back to normal vanilla relationship.

Hi and welcome to our blog Vanilla Spankos. My girlfriend/Mistress or I will post a bit more of an intro later on, explaining how we met and came together but basically we have a somewhat complicated relationship that has both elements of vanilla and BDSM including domestic discipline but we also occasionally switch and I go Top.

We’ve been together for two months now and it’s been tricky figuring it all out but we’ve stuck with it even when people said it couldn’t be done and we have an amazing relationship now that continues to grow every day and I know will continue to do so for a long time.

It’s not role-playing, it’s not fake – which is a typical criticism of switching. We have rules around it that help us know who’s top and when it’s ok to switch and we’ll share those with you all for those who don’t want a full-time BDSM relationship or want to occasionally switch.

Also we’ll be sharing tips on setting up a home for BDSM, spanking implements and our journey and discovery of BDSM.