Being faithful, and being a switch

I’m madly in love with my boy and I have absolutely no desire to Domme anyone else. Fortunately for me, my boy thinks likewise (he doesn’t want to be sub to anyone other than me). I think a large part of the reason BDSM works for us is because its with each other – someone we love passionately. It is the object of our desire who inflicts/receives the power play, and that is what makes it such a turn on.

I was surprised recently when a friend of my boy insinuated that he had served her (he hadn’t). I was surprised at just how uncomfortable I felt with that notion. In a sense, the idea of him being sub to anyone else was worse than the idea of him cheating, as him subbing involves his mind and handing over power, and has to be THE most intimate, trust filled experiences I’ve shared with anyone. Sex on the other hand can be dissociated and reduced to a mere physically enjoyable act. (Not that I’m advocating cheating – I know how painful even a purely physically cheating can hurt).

Having decided we dont wish to play with others, we still enjoy attending the occasional play party. We play with each other and a part of us enjoys being watched and the humiliation of him being dominated in front of others. But we decided that we will only attend parties together - not on our own. And as odd as this may sound (heck it even sounds odd to me!), while we dont want to play with others, he and I will play with the resident Dom and Domme at the dungeon. I know I cant possibly give my boy a session like he could get from a resident Dom or Domme so I am happy to let him be worked on by them – I know them and trust them – and they don’t make it sexual. My boy is my sub so he will never be Dom to me. So sometimes I will sub to the resident Dom at the dungeon. My boy is fine with this, and the Dom reckons he loves watching me get spanked and flogged!

But, to me, the most important part about us playing with the Dom and Domme is that we are still doing it as a COUPLE! It isnt merely a selfish act of getting something we want. Its a caring act where one of us wants the other to have such an experience, and we share the experience by both being present. Whats more, we are always both involved. While the Dom/me does the flogging, each of us will be involved with the sensual side and hug and kiss and caress each other during these sessions. In fact, one of the kinkiest sessions we had involved my boy cuffed to the flogging wall, with me between the wall and him so I could kiss him and bite him and hold him. Every now and then the Dom would aim for a part of my body protruding out from under my boy. I would tease the Dom stick my side out, and the Dom would hit me instead of my boy. While the Dom was flogging my boy there was something incredibly exciting about the position I was in where the Dom could hit me at any moment. I was truly a part of my boy’s experience. By gosh did I love that session!!!

I’ll have topping with that…

Read an interesting blog post “Headology” by This Girl; about subbie space, which prompted me to leave a comment. Thought I should also post my thoughts here.

On spacing

I have never spaced and I don’t know if I ever will. I have watched my sub/boyfriend space and he just melts. Watching him in that state is incredible and I just wish that I could also experience it. I have to admit to feeling jealous.

One time at the dungeon when I was on the wall being flogged the master stopped before I really wanted him to. I felt I was getting more relaxed and more into the eroticism (which is a big part of BDSM for me). I had really been focusing on letting go. I don’t know if I was just getting more into it, or if i might have flown away should master have gone longer or harder. He said we will do that again and see if we can get me there. I’d really like to experience it.

Topping (yes please)

But I must say a large part of me wonders if I don’t reach subbie space because the person working me isn’t the one I love. When my bf tops it blows me away. Not spacing. But wow I love it! Seeing him all confident and forceful makes me melt and desperate for more. As soon as he appears aggressive it’s like a switch in my mind has been turned on (and its not the only thing turned on! lol). I love my boy so much. Seeing him aggressive – knowing what he wants and doing what he wants drives me wild.

The other weekend we were mucking around and spontaneously he got all Top on me. OH MY GOD! “take me! take me now”!!! He was so confident – there was no hesitation in his voice or his actions. He was forceful and utterly believable. He held my arms down on the bed. He made me roll over. Heavens I cant even remember everything he did. All I remember really is how excited I was, physically and intellectually by this side of my boy. I have to say it was one of the most highly erotic experiences ever – until my dog decided to join in by licking the side of my neck my boy wasn’t licking. Now I love my dog, really I do. But right then I could have killed him! My boy and I both cracked up laughing and the mood was gone. :(

Last night, several hours after my session on him, he got all Top again. Mmmm mmmm! All he has to do is place his hands on my cheeks and turn my head slightly and I’m silently begging for more. He sat on top of me and I looked up at him desiring him to do as he pleased with me. Now unlike my boy, I’m not so much into the pain aspect of BDSM. I like bondage and restraint, I like the power play, and I love the sensual play. So when he gets all top I find myself hoping he will use me sexually. I love it when he talks dirty to me. Last night he called me filthy. To which I replied “I’m only as filthy as your d!ck!” – the thought of which only turned me on more! When he calls me a b!tch I tell him to say it louder. I want him to whisper nasty things in my ear, I want him to tell me from above. Most of all I want him to make me give it to him. And that’s if he doesn’t take it for himself ;)

I’m so proud of my boy and how much confidence he has gained in the bedroom department. I can’t wait to see where it takes us! Blow me away!

Twelve!

So, she comes home today. Been away too long and I’ve been going out of my mind. You’ve probably missed her too as I’ve written the last eight or so blog posts so will be good to have her back and blogging.

But twelve! OK well it started as ten – we were just chatting over the Internet during the week and I was being a rude brat as usual and so she just dropped that in the middle of the conversation. Now any sub knows what it means when their Dom/Domme just gives out a number. It’s a tally for the number of spankings they’ve just earned themselves and when we’re talking punishment/discipline spankings that have tallies associated with them it’s usually going to be with something serious like the cane or in our case the big wooden paddle on the bare. But couldn’t she have warned me I was pushing my luck and that I was accruing a spanking tally instead of waiting till I had collected ten?

No, because she’s a – and I told her that, hence why I earned two more :)

She couldn’t wait till she came home either so told me to go get the wooden paddles, pull down my pants, bend over the couch and spank myself. Which I obediently did even though she had to trust I was actually doing it seeing she was far away. Which she did – but decided she wasn’t sure if I’d done it hard enough so she didn’t take any off my tally. Which still stands at twelve, and I’ll probably be collecting those sometime this weekend.

In the beginning…

It all started a couple of years ago when I first met Him. He was cute, funny, witty, and so many other superlatives. It wasn’t long before I decided I had a crush on him. We seemed to have a lot of laughs. We had some deep conversations about life and love and he even confided in me his secret penchant for spankings. That sparked even more interest in my eyes as I had always found a bit of force and bondage exciting, and had attended a lesson on whipping/flogging. Of course I offered to make all his dreams come true. Due to various circumstances we wont bore you with, he felt the need to push me away. I’m a stubborn old cow though and don’t let go of friendships easily. After a long time I gave up on maintaining our infrequent contact. However, i still quite frequently thought about him.

Then one day after talking to a male friend about me wanting to go and check out a BDSM play party, my male friend agreed to protect me while we checked out this “underworld”. So off we went to observe. Lots of friendly people dressed up as all sorts. Female subs, Dommes, male subs and Doms, and trannies and people whose play preferences eluded me. We met a friendly “normal” seeming guy and talking with him helped me feel at ease in an environment drastically different from anything I had known.

Later in the night I gave into friendly coaxing and had a go on both the flogging wall and the spanking horse. I was so nervous and scared I spent the whole time trying to distract myself from the sensations. Needless to say it was in no way erotic. If the Dom hadn’t read me so well I’d have called “orange”. However, when in the safe position of a mere observer I was able to experience some level of sexual excitement by it all. But after several hours it was time for my friend and I to leave.

As soon as I got home I jumped online and sent Him an email. Having not had any contact with Him for several months I wasn’t even expecting a reply. But I simply had to share my experience with Him and I just knew this was a place he would want to visit. I told him where I had been and what I had done, and suggested that given his interest in these things, he should really go along one day and try it all for real.

The next day, to my surprise, He had replied, and even expressed an interest in going. I again bit the bullet, never expecting him to “come to the party” and I mentioned I was going out again the next week for a private chat and play and invited him to come with me. HE AGREED TO COME! He explained his previous circumstances and apologised for pushing me away. Apology accepted, water under the bridge – I was just happy he expressed an interest in resuming our friendship.

Obviously, if I was going to be able to play with Him in the same room the following weekend I was going to have to get comfortable with him, fast! Not being one to be shy (where does shyness ever get you?) I asked what he was doing that coming Friday night, and promptly invited myself over with the intention of a few drinks and getting to know Him (and his body) much better!

Throughout the week we flirted and got nervous. We talked about rules (safe words and off limit activities). Having been single for 6 months after an emotionally abusive relationship, I was for the first time enjoying my singledom and truly learning to be happy as myself. So I told him that if we played it didn’t mean we were “together”. It just meant that we played.

Friday very quickly rolled around and my heart rate was through the roof. We washed down some drinks to steady the nerves and after many hours of building up the courage I told him to shut his eyes and hold out his hands. And then I handcuffed him. Then I was too nervous to do anything else. After a few minutes composing ourselves I took him by the cuffs and led him to his bedroom where I told him to lie on his bed on his tummy. I climbed up and caressed his fully clothed bum. So yum! I had been eyeing off that bum all night, desperately wanting to squeeze it. Then i started to hit it. It was short and sweet and I led him back to the couch. The rest is a bit hazy but we talked and I learnt that he hadn’t been disinterested in me in the years before after all. I was excited by this but also thought he only wanted play. We were up until 5am kissing and hugging and taking things slowly. Then it hit me that we were going to the BDSM place to play that afternoon. Emotions flooded me. I had so been looking forward to going. But now I found myself overcome with emotion toward Him and feeling like i didn’t want to play with anyone else. So, believing in being upfront, I told him that this didn’t feel casual to me at all. He seemed OK with my revelation but we didn’t define where we were at.

We went to the BDSM place – His first time at such a place. I put a collar on him and he just melted. He immediately transcended to another world. He received a flogging by the resident Dom and was sent swiftly into subbie space. After the flogging he fell lovingly into my arms and we cuddled for a long time. Watching him through that process was amazing. I had a flogging too and while I lapped up the sensual aspects of the non painful parts, and while I pushed through my pain barriers it just didn’t have that effect on me.

Later He left as He was due elsewhere and I stayed on and chatted to the Dom. I cried. I was desperately scared. Before He had left we had chatted briefly and established that we both felt something for each other. Here was this guy I had liked, who now liked me back. We’d had an amazing 24 hours and I was fast falling for this guy. And yet here I was in a dungeon, listening to talk about me being Domme and my role with Him being my sub. “Do this” “do that”, “don’t do this”… I was constantly told that he was one of the most natural subs they had seen and that BDSM would be a big part of his life. But i couldn’t help thinking “but I found BDSM for a bit of exciting kink… I wasn’t seeking a way of life.” I was petrified that I wanted to experiment and sample BDSM and the guy I was desperately keen on was going to need a lot more than I could offer. I felt inadequate, inferior. While it had been me that first went to the BDSM place because I was genuinely interested, I felt like a fake, like I wasn’t one of “them” – I wasn’t hardcore like my new man obviously was. On top of that, as I mentioned earlier, I was keen on bondage. But here I was being told that my man would NEVER be Dom to me. I didn’t fully understand the terms, and at that stage I didn’t even know about top/bottom. So to hear this crushed all my dreams of being restrained or him using some force on me. I was so scared that this incredible journey he and I had just embarked on was going to come crumbling down to him going it alone.

Then we decided over SMS that we were officially together as a couple. My fears were just going to have to wait a while!

So how does our hybrid vanilla/BDSM relationship work?

I know this might seem a bit weird having a diagram and all but it was the best way I could think of to explain how our relationship works with its blend of vanilla and BDSM, domme/sub and switching.

First and foremost we consider ourselves to be in a “normal” vanilla relationship, just boyfriend and girlfriend. Equals. We talk about things, we do things together, have sex, watch movies, help each other, support each other, are cheeky brats to each other.

Our BDSM activities are basically things we do when we’re in the mood or planned sessions like I did with her (yeah I’m going to stop capitalising “her” now) the other night which I’ll write about later.

It works something like this:

Basically three levels – vanilla, top/bottom and domme/sub. The switching part of it is that sometimes I’m Top and she is bottom, but above that she is Domme and I am sub. So basically Domme overrides Top – but we have rules for that to avoid clashes and confusion.

If she is Domme or I am Top at any point in time the other person cannot go Domme or Top. She can’t go straight from bottom to Domme and I can’t go straight from sub to Top. Everything returns to vanilla first.

It’s pretty easy for her to assert her role as Domme when she wants to go to that level – as long as she’s not currently bottom. If she takes things to that level then I’m sub until she releases me from that. If I want to Top then basically the rule is if I go get an implement then that’s the signal that I want to go Top.

That works because for me, going Top is essentially spanking – usually discipline or me just wanting to smack her for the fun of it. It’s more complicate for Domme/sub because she does more stuff with me like making her doing her ironing, dressing her etc but that works fine because Domme is ultimate in this relationship and when she goes Domme then that’s it. If I want to Top (to get her back) I have to wait till she releases me, we return to vanilla … for a bit, and then I can. Though usually it would be a couple of hours or even overnight for the subbie comedown before I feel able to switch from sub to Top.

The longest Top/bottom session I’ve done so far was what I did with her the other night – which I’ll blog about later which lasted just under an hour, but typically just going Top for a quick spanking would be over in 5 minutes. Domme/sub sessions can last a bit longer and go a couple of hours if she’s making me do stuff. Afterwards everything returns back to normal vanilla relationship.

Workplace Shenanigans

Hi! Here’s my first blog entry. I’m “her”, otherwise known as Ms Vanialla Spankos.

I will write up some blog entries about how we got together, and about our fun and games during the past 2 months. I also plan to talk about my feelings, the inner struggles, and our combined efforts to make this BDSM thing work when we are in a romantic relationship as well. It has required effort and a lot of open and honest communication. But this has resulted in a wonderful caring and nurturing relationship that we have, filled with many hours of kinky fun. :)

But first… here’s the “office caning” from my perspective:

When he told me he was going to have his own office temporarily I immediately took the opportunity to tell him that one of my fantasies has always been to do stuff in someones office – by “stuff” I mean passionate vanilla sex. Neither of us yet brave enough for this sort of adventure, we talked about me visiting him in his office for a spanking. And so the day was set.

The evening before our scheduled session I sent him a text message, addressing him as subbie boy (to let him know his role had already begun) and told him to buy some wax strips on his way home. He replied “yes ma’am”, so I knew he got the picture. Later that evening I arrived at his place and told him that he had to wax my legs in preparation for tomorrows session, and that he also had to iron my shirt. On went his collar and he set about getting me ready.

This was the first time I had seriously taken a role of Domme outside a “session”. For the past two months I have been learning and growing and dealing with a part of me that hates to degrade or disrespect someone. Knowing full well I was doing neither, I was able to fully enjoy this extension to our session. I began to really enjoy setting the scene for the next day. He, however, seemed somewhat unused to me assuming Domme for such an extended time and twice went to use the computer without my permission. Consequently he received a short spanking with a steel enforced paddle, and there were some lighter reprimands thrown in for good measure.

So “the day” finally rolls around. He has gone to work and I get up and get dressed – a tight black business skirt which ends at my knees, a beautifully shaped white business shirt (not done up with buttons but rather the hooks you get on a corset) a black pinstriped jacket and black pumps (heels). I made an effort to wear makeup and pulled my hair back in a more business sort of way – like a french roll but with a clawed clip to hold it in place.

With nerves and excitement I ended up arriving 15 minutes early and SMSed him to tell him to come and collect me. He wrote back “sorry sorry sorry!!! still in a meeting”. “Very well then” I replied. Then I sent my final sms “1 for every 5 minutes late”. This was better than I could possibly plan! There he was, stuck in a work meeting, squirming in his seat thinking about me waiting impatiently and anticipating his punishment. Perfect!

Dressed so formally, which is unusual for me given I haven’t needed to dress so in quite awhile, I felt pretty self-conscious and nervous, but I didn’t want him to sense this. He left his meeting early and escorted me up to his office. Walking through the open working space full of his work colleagues was daunting. I felt so conspicuous like I was his girlfriend on show and like I had a sign on me saying “I’m here for kinky sh!t”. Relief flooded me when we made it to his office and he closed the door to the outside world. There he stood in his suit looking incredibly handsome and sexy. It was just me and him now. I knew how to handle that! ;)

The blinds which were the only barrier to protect us from public scrutiny were disconcertingly flimsy. There were gaps where I could see out and this seemed to unsettle the both of us.  I pushed him backwards up against the door but he felt people could see. I took our cane out from my bag and asked him what this punishment was for. He said he didn’t know. I reminded that I had instructed him to have a reason for me so added one to his tally. He said I owed him 7, so I added another 2 for being ten minutes late to collect me from reception.

We moved to his desk where I pushed him to bend over. I didn’t want to jump straight in so I rubbed his bum with my hand and then asked “so should we take your pants off?”. He freaked “Nooo!” and I fiddled with his belt and undid it, before laughing at his fear and saying I wasn’t going to remove them. I started the caning a little lightly but hit harder very quickly. I knew it hurt him a bit but he was trying to be quiet. Before I knew it I had delivered 9 hits. I wasn’t satisfied. I wanted to see evidence of his pain. I made him bend over again and I resumed his caining until he had squirmed a few times and made a few mumbled grunts. I stopped somewhere over double his due number – I had given up counting.

When he stood up he was red in the face and his eyes were watery. We hugged and kissed. It was so incredibly exciting. Then came a knock at the door. With a chair under the handle of the door, and the cane visible on his desk he said “NOOO”. We cracked up laughing – how embarrassing. I put the cane away and he moved his chair and we talked about how embarrassing but hilarious this was and what a good thing they hadn’t knocked earlier. When we left the office one of his colleagues, and a friend, kindly informed us that it had been him who had knocked and he had done so deliberately to distrub us.

I couldnt help but feel a sense of satisfaction. Until recently I don’t think I would have been brave enough to dress up and go into someones office like that. The confidence to play out ones fantasies is incredibly exhilerating and empowering. Whats more – I have struggled the past 2 months with hitting him. Being a caring empathic person its agaisnt every grain in my body to hurt someone. Though obviously not agaisnt EVERY grain as I had the motivation to overcome my tenderness. I am proud that I was able to give him a decent caning – this means I *AM* capable of giving him what he wants and needs! My initial fears of not keeping up, or not being good enough, or just simply not being enough for him have finally dissipated completely.

What a way to celebrate our 2 months togther!