Is it just a phase?

The whole BDSM thing has been going swimmingly but there have been ups and downs, and some quite significant downs too! There were a couple of times when he questioned if he really wanted BDSM anymore or if it had just been a passing phase. At first I took that hard. All the months of psychological anguish and processing and development and hard yards… now I really enjoyed it and he was saying it was all for nothing?! No freaking way! I wasn’t about to let that happen! But a part of me felt he was just feeling down and confused. He loved it so much there is no way it was just a phase. And besides, just because you’re into it doesn’t mean you have to want it all the time! there’s bound to be times when it just doesn’t work for you for numerous possible reasons. I told him my thoughts and was convinced I was right. Sure enough, a little while later I’d spank him and he’d instantly melt with a smile on his face. I knew he was in too deep to be just a phase.

But a few months later he was questioning it again. The times he questioned BDSM were difficult times. He was quite down – whether that was because he was questioning BDSM, or he was questioning BDSM because he was down we don’t know (but I suspect a bit of both if not predominantly the latter). It was difficult seeing him so down. So sad. It was as though he had resigned himself to the fact that it had just been a phase and he was mourning the loss of his interest, and the loss of that part of our relationship.

The second time I didnt feel defensive or resentful. I had grown. I reassured him that I didn’t care if we never played again, as long as I had him. He indicated that was concerned that because our relationship grew from the time I told him about the play party, and grew around us exploring BDSM together, that losing BDSM would adversely affect our relationship. I was adament that I didnt NEED BDSM in my life and that we could always develop other interests we could share as a couple (like, I dunno… maybe sex? hehe). But then he dropped the bombshell… he wasnt worried that I would lose interest in him if he wasn’t into BDSM any more, he was worried that he would lose interest in me!!! OMG! *cue tears* Was he crazy? I’m about ready to give up BDSM cos I love him so much, and I had already given up sex for him, and he is telling me that perhaps without BDSM he wouldn’t want me any more? I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. This was NOT what I was expecting to hear. I had been lovingly reassuring him it was OK and that I loved him more than anything and then he tells me that?! This just didnt seem to fit with my view on our relationship. We got on so well. I was staying at his place almost every night. He seemed to adore me when we would go out with friends. He seemed just in love with me as I was with him. I quietly panicked on the inside that this wasn’t as serious as I had thought. I thought I had found the one. But this just wasn’t measuring up!

I asked him questions to gauge how he felt about me. I encouraged him to explore evidence for and against his fear that he wasn’t into BDSM any more, and for and against the possibility that he would lose interest in me should we no longer play. I asked him about periods of time when we hadn’t had a proper session for a couple of weeks. Had he been bored? Uninterested? Not enjoyed my company as much? “No”, he said. He had not been bored and uninterested in me. He had not felt differently towards me during those times. “So why then would you be uninterested in me if we stopped playing now, if evidence so far indicates that you have not lost interest when BDSM is absent?”. He couldn’t answer that. He could see what I was saying but the logical was of no comfort to him. And that’s when I decided this was an emotional problem and not a problem of loss of interest in BDSM or potential loss of interest in me. This was mood induced. If he didn’t have logic or evidence then the only thing propelling his worries was his emotions. He had no reason to fear what he did, except for the age old doubt “but, what if…”. As a psychologist, I know very well that just because we feel something, doesn’t make it true. You might be worried about something but that doesn’t mean it is something of concern. Often when emotions slide into the depths people, being rational creatures, search for possible explanations to explain the emotions. Anything slightly tangible can become the “uh-huh! that must be it!” and the worry then takes on a life of its own, artificially linked with the negative emotion. There was little I could do but ride it out with him.

Sure enough, it wasn’t long before it was obvious to him just how much he enjoyed spanking. His mood was back to normal and things were just peachy!

Moral of the story: don’t place unrealistic expectations on yourself. Allow yourself to not desire BDSM all day, every day. Give yourself permission to take a break when you don’t feel like it. Life is not black and white. It isn’t an either or. Let it ebb and flow. Don’t fight the tide, just float along with it :)

Role-playing list

Just been doing some … research, and thinking – coming up with a list of possible scenarios for D&S role playing, specifically with f/m B&D in mind :)

• Prison warden / Prisoner
• Boss / Employee (administration, hospitality etc)
• Police / Law-breaker (side of the road, at the station, after sentencing etc)
• Teacher / Student
• Shop owner / Shop-lifter
• Wife / Husband (home late, flirting, watching porn etc)
• House owner / Cleaner or handyman
• Tribal chief (matriarchal) / subject

Any other ideas?

In other news, I can’t believe I got the paddle 10 times last night for forgetting to make a phone call!

Cop that!

I knew he had a thing for domestic discipline and corporal punishment, so I decided to search for a sexy cop outfit. I spent ages searching for the perfect one and once I ordered it online I began taunting him about what I had bought. I told him I had spent nearly $100 on something for play. I told him that it wasnt something he would use. When it arrived he was interstate so I sent a photo of the package to his phone so he could see the size of it. Then I told him I had to check if it “worked” (ie fitted). I spent the next week enjoying dropping hints about the what I had bought, but only hints I knew wouldnt allow him to guess what it was. We scheduled Wednesday afternoon in for play and I had told him it would take me awhile to set it up.

I asked him to check his letter box again before coming in. This time he would find a letter – a “Notice of infringement”.

“Dear Mr Vanilla Spanko. Your vehicle was recorded on some day(s) this week, on some road in the state, doing a speed in excess of the speed limit. You are hereby summonsed to attend court presided by Mistress VS on (date) at (location) where your punishment will be determined. Please proceed to the entrance from whereupon you will be escorted. Yours sincerely, Ms Vanilla Spankos, Jurisdiction of the Kinky Counsel”.

When he arrived home I raced to the door and peered through the peep hole and watched him giggle as he read the letter. He approached the door giggling. I felt so vulnerable! I felt like a turkey dressed up at Christmas… only it wasnt Christmas! My worst fear was that he would take one look at me and laugh. I told him I wouldnt let him in until he stopped laughing. He regained composure, and still nervous as hell I let him in, hiding myself behind the door as I opened it. The I directed him to put his hands up against the wall and I asked if he was carrying any weapons on his body. He said no so I patted him down and then opened his bag and pulled out the new paddle I knew he had brought home that afternoon. “Whats this? I thought you werent carrying a weapon”.

He told me earlier in the day that he had had a very stressful time at work. So I revised my plan for the afternoon and decided to take things slowly to help him get into his subbie role. I ordered him to strip then and there and then I walked him with his hands behind his back to the bathroom where I ordered him to shower with the curtain open so I could observe him.

After the shower I instructed him to kneel before me And I told him that the court was open to persuasion should he think of anything he could do which may help his case. He seemed confused. I tried to clarify by indicating that should he think of anything he could do to please me then his punishment may be reduced. He still seemed confused and seemed to panic. He suggested he could kiss my feet so I allowed him to do this, then subtracted one from his tally. When I asked if there was anything else he really freaked out “like what?”. He was unable to think of anything else and seemed quite stressed about the pressure so I told him that we would begin the punishment but that he would have another opportunity to better his case later on.

I worked him for a long time. Somewhere close to 45 minutes. I used a large number of implements including the crop, two floggers, the new paddle, a strap, a sensual chain and my hand.

But I have a feeling he will again run into trouble with the law ;)

Being faithful, and being a switch

I’m madly in love with my boy and I have absolutely no desire to Domme anyone else. Fortunately for me, my boy thinks likewise (he doesn’t want to be sub to anyone other than me). I think a large part of the reason BDSM works for us is because its with each other – someone we love passionately. It is the object of our desire who inflicts/receives the power play, and that is what makes it such a turn on.

I was surprised recently when a friend of my boy insinuated that he had served her (he hadn’t). I was surprised at just how uncomfortable I felt with that notion. In a sense, the idea of him being sub to anyone else was worse than the idea of him cheating, as him subbing involves his mind and handing over power, and has to be THE most intimate, trust filled experiences I’ve shared with anyone. Sex on the other hand can be dissociated and reduced to a mere physically enjoyable act. (Not that I’m advocating cheating – I know how painful even a purely physically cheating can hurt).

Having decided we dont wish to play with others, we still enjoy attending the occasional play party. We play with each other and a part of us enjoys being watched and the humiliation of him being dominated in front of others. But we decided that we will only attend parties together - not on our own. And as odd as this may sound (heck it even sounds odd to me!), while we dont want to play with others, he and I will play with the resident Dom and Domme at the dungeon. I know I cant possibly give my boy a session like he could get from a resident Dom or Domme so I am happy to let him be worked on by them – I know them and trust them – and they don’t make it sexual. My boy is my sub so he will never be Dom to me. So sometimes I will sub to the resident Dom at the dungeon. My boy is fine with this, and the Dom reckons he loves watching me get spanked and flogged!

But, to me, the most important part about us playing with the Dom and Domme is that we are still doing it as a COUPLE! It isnt merely a selfish act of getting something we want. Its a caring act where one of us wants the other to have such an experience, and we share the experience by both being present. Whats more, we are always both involved. While the Dom/me does the flogging, each of us will be involved with the sensual side and hug and kiss and caress each other during these sessions. In fact, one of the kinkiest sessions we had involved my boy cuffed to the flogging wall, with me between the wall and him so I could kiss him and bite him and hold him. Every now and then the Dom would aim for a part of my body protruding out from under my boy. I would tease the Dom stick my side out, and the Dom would hit me instead of my boy. While the Dom was flogging my boy there was something incredibly exciting about the position I was in where the Dom could hit me at any moment. I was truly a part of my boy’s experience. By gosh did I love that session!!!

I’ll have topping with that…

Read an interesting blog post “Headology” by This Girl; about subbie space, which prompted me to leave a comment. Thought I should also post my thoughts here.

On spacing

I have never spaced and I don’t know if I ever will. I have watched my sub/boyfriend space and he just melts. Watching him in that state is incredible and I just wish that I could also experience it. I have to admit to feeling jealous.

One time at the dungeon when I was on the wall being flogged the master stopped before I really wanted him to. I felt I was getting more relaxed and more into the eroticism (which is a big part of BDSM for me). I had really been focusing on letting go. I don’t know if I was just getting more into it, or if i might have flown away should master have gone longer or harder. He said we will do that again and see if we can get me there. I’d really like to experience it.

Topping (yes please)

But I must say a large part of me wonders if I don’t reach subbie space because the person working me isn’t the one I love. When my bf tops it blows me away. Not spacing. But wow I love it! Seeing him all confident and forceful makes me melt and desperate for more. As soon as he appears aggressive it’s like a switch in my mind has been turned on (and its not the only thing turned on! lol). I love my boy so much. Seeing him aggressive – knowing what he wants and doing what he wants drives me wild.

The other weekend we were mucking around and spontaneously he got all Top on me. OH MY GOD! “take me! take me now”!!! He was so confident – there was no hesitation in his voice or his actions. He was forceful and utterly believable. He held my arms down on the bed. He made me roll over. Heavens I cant even remember everything he did. All I remember really is how excited I was, physically and intellectually by this side of my boy. I have to say it was one of the most highly erotic experiences ever – until my dog decided to join in by licking the side of my neck my boy wasn’t licking. Now I love my dog, really I do. But right then I could have killed him! My boy and I both cracked up laughing and the mood was gone. :(

Last night, several hours after my session on him, he got all Top again. Mmmm mmmm! All he has to do is place his hands on my cheeks and turn my head slightly and I’m silently begging for more. He sat on top of me and I looked up at him desiring him to do as he pleased with me. Now unlike my boy, I’m not so much into the pain aspect of BDSM. I like bondage and restraint, I like the power play, and I love the sensual play. So when he gets all top I find myself hoping he will use me sexually. I love it when he talks dirty to me. Last night he called me filthy. To which I replied “I’m only as filthy as your d!ck!” – the thought of which only turned me on more! When he calls me a b!tch I tell him to say it louder. I want him to whisper nasty things in my ear, I want him to tell me from above. Most of all I want him to make me give it to him. And that’s if he doesn’t take it for himself ;)

I’m so proud of my boy and how much confidence he has gained in the bedroom department. I can’t wait to see where it takes us! Blow me away!

Vanilla v’s kink – the juggling act

So, exploring the psychological challenges I’ve faced on my journey of discovery of BDSM I think its essential I share my fears regarding vanilla v’s kink.

When we first got together I was well acquainted with vanilla sex. I had been in several long term relationships and had the odd dalliance with those more casual. He, on the other hand, was a fresh little cherry, ripe for the picking.

Alternatively, I had had little previous exposure to BDSM while he had several years under his belt of saturating himself in the spanking world. He knew all the terms, he used acronyms which made no sense to me.

So, if you tend to want more of the things you are most comfortable with and used to, I guess you could say we were coming from two different perspectives. I wanted vanilla sexual experiences with a bit of BDSM on the side. He wanted BDSM and sex was not a priority. I guess this difference was bound to create some sort of issue between us.

The issue presented itself to me in the form of insecurity. Now you’re all probably rolling your eyes and hating the fact girls seem to have so many insecurities. I hate it too! I spent many months fighting these thoughts and fears mostly on my own – I did not want to make him feel pressured to go from 0-100miles an hour in the vanilla sexual stakes.

In some ways, going slowly has been an absolute gift. It sure beats the usual “kiss, f@ck, and get the guy off” routine from so many previous vanilla relationships. Focusing on the small physical pleasures is empowering. I treasure the extended foreplay. But when foreplay doesn’t lead to sex, as is what I’m used to… and when BDSM play is always on the cards, but foreplay and sex isn’t… I find it all too easy to worry his BDSM kink is more of a fetish – that is, its the only thing he wants, and that perhaps he doesn’t want me and my body in a vanilla way?

So you can imagine. He goes to great effort to do a BDSM session on me. I get all excited and he ended up uninterested. I desperately wanted to be intimate with him after having been away, and he said he wasn’t in the mood. I cried. I felt so lonely. So scared. In essence, I felt rejected.

Once again, it just shows the importance of communicating. While I felt desperately sad and scared he wasnt interested in vanilla with me, he told me that its not the case, but that he has his own issues regarding sex to work through. I explained that if he told me what those issues where then maybe I could help, and at the very least not feel like it was because of ME. The very knowledge that he has issues regarding sex gave me some level of understanding, as I had thought he had resolved them.

So i really cant stress enough – SHARE EVERYTHING! If you have an issue, talk to them about it. But make sure you own it. Dont hang it on the other person. Claim it as your issue. “I feel”. This doesnt mean that you cant discuss ways the other person could help lessen your issue, if their behaviour is impacting on it. It’s not absolving them from all responsibility. But its being wise enough to understand that just because you feel a certain way, doesnt make it true. And even if the other person’s issue is irrational, or unfounded, you can still reach out to the other person and let them know you care about their feelings, even if you dont understand their concern.

So – how did we resolve our difference in appetites for vanilla v’s BDSM? Well – i guess thats a work in progress. I expect that as he works through his issues regarding sex, and as it becomes more familiar to him that his interest in it will grow. I clutch at that belief with all my might LOL! I know how far he has progressed in the past few months, from only getting turned on from being spanked, to getting turned on at the drop of a hat! I have to continue to be understanding that he needs time and patience. He needs to be compassionate towards my insecurities and offer some kind of reassurance while we continue to take things slowly. In other words, we both need to be mindful of each others needs, and find ways to address those needs, even if we are currently unable to meet them.

3 vital ingredients for a successful relationship:

1. Good COMMUNICATION

2. Empathy – put yourself in their place and care about their well being

3. Compassion – make allowances for issues to arise, take the other persons’ concerns on board, and allow for the other person to go through rough patches… and reach out to them when they do!  Love and accept them even WITH their flaws.

Home-made sensual flogger

Ok it’s not really a flogger because you don’t use it like a flogger – it just looks like one because it has a handle with a bunch of tails.

I made this from about 5 feet of bead chain cut into 6 pieces, an irrigation pipe joiner piece and some silicone. Tied the pieces of chain together with some wire, inserted it into the pipe and siliconed it up from both ends.

 

Works best with the subject blind-folded :)

On a short leash

Latest addition to our toy collection:

Chain dog lead attached to our collar.

In the beginning…

It all started a couple of years ago when I first met Him. He was cute, funny, witty, and so many other superlatives. It wasn’t long before I decided I had a crush on him. We seemed to have a lot of laughs. We had some deep conversations about life and love and he even confided in me his secret penchant for spankings. That sparked even more interest in my eyes as I had always found a bit of force and bondage exciting, and had attended a lesson on whipping/flogging. Of course I offered to make all his dreams come true. Due to various circumstances we wont bore you with, he felt the need to push me away. I’m a stubborn old cow though and don’t let go of friendships easily. After a long time I gave up on maintaining our infrequent contact. However, i still quite frequently thought about him.

Then one day after talking to a male friend about me wanting to go and check out a BDSM play party, my male friend agreed to protect me while we checked out this “underworld”. So off we went to observe. Lots of friendly people dressed up as all sorts. Female subs, Dommes, male subs and Doms, and trannies and people whose play preferences eluded me. We met a friendly “normal” seeming guy and talking with him helped me feel at ease in an environment drastically different from anything I had known.

Later in the night I gave into friendly coaxing and had a go on both the flogging wall and the spanking horse. I was so nervous and scared I spent the whole time trying to distract myself from the sensations. Needless to say it was in no way erotic. If the Dom hadn’t read me so well I’d have called “orange”. However, when in the safe position of a mere observer I was able to experience some level of sexual excitement by it all. But after several hours it was time for my friend and I to leave.

As soon as I got home I jumped online and sent Him an email. Having not had any contact with Him for several months I wasn’t even expecting a reply. But I simply had to share my experience with Him and I just knew this was a place he would want to visit. I told him where I had been and what I had done, and suggested that given his interest in these things, he should really go along one day and try it all for real.

The next day, to my surprise, He had replied, and even expressed an interest in going. I again bit the bullet, never expecting him to “come to the party” and I mentioned I was going out again the next week for a private chat and play and invited him to come with me. HE AGREED TO COME! He explained his previous circumstances and apologised for pushing me away. Apology accepted, water under the bridge – I was just happy he expressed an interest in resuming our friendship.

Obviously, if I was going to be able to play with Him in the same room the following weekend I was going to have to get comfortable with him, fast! Not being one to be shy (where does shyness ever get you?) I asked what he was doing that coming Friday night, and promptly invited myself over with the intention of a few drinks and getting to know Him (and his body) much better!

Throughout the week we flirted and got nervous. We talked about rules (safe words and off limit activities). Having been single for 6 months after an emotionally abusive relationship, I was for the first time enjoying my singledom and truly learning to be happy as myself. So I told him that if we played it didn’t mean we were “together”. It just meant that we played.

Friday very quickly rolled around and my heart rate was through the roof. We washed down some drinks to steady the nerves and after many hours of building up the courage I told him to shut his eyes and hold out his hands. And then I handcuffed him. Then I was too nervous to do anything else. After a few minutes composing ourselves I took him by the cuffs and led him to his bedroom where I told him to lie on his bed on his tummy. I climbed up and caressed his fully clothed bum. So yum! I had been eyeing off that bum all night, desperately wanting to squeeze it. Then i started to hit it. It was short and sweet and I led him back to the couch. The rest is a bit hazy but we talked and I learnt that he hadn’t been disinterested in me in the years before after all. I was excited by this but also thought he only wanted play. We were up until 5am kissing and hugging and taking things slowly. Then it hit me that we were going to the BDSM place to play that afternoon. Emotions flooded me. I had so been looking forward to going. But now I found myself overcome with emotion toward Him and feeling like i didn’t want to play with anyone else. So, believing in being upfront, I told him that this didn’t feel casual to me at all. He seemed OK with my revelation but we didn’t define where we were at.

We went to the BDSM place – His first time at such a place. I put a collar on him and he just melted. He immediately transcended to another world. He received a flogging by the resident Dom and was sent swiftly into subbie space. After the flogging he fell lovingly into my arms and we cuddled for a long time. Watching him through that process was amazing. I had a flogging too and while I lapped up the sensual aspects of the non painful parts, and while I pushed through my pain barriers it just didn’t have that effect on me.

Later He left as He was due elsewhere and I stayed on and chatted to the Dom. I cried. I was desperately scared. Before He had left we had chatted briefly and established that we both felt something for each other. Here was this guy I had liked, who now liked me back. We’d had an amazing 24 hours and I was fast falling for this guy. And yet here I was in a dungeon, listening to talk about me being Domme and my role with Him being my sub. “Do this” “do that”, “don’t do this”… I was constantly told that he was one of the most natural subs they had seen and that BDSM would be a big part of his life. But i couldn’t help thinking “but I found BDSM for a bit of exciting kink… I wasn’t seeking a way of life.” I was petrified that I wanted to experiment and sample BDSM and the guy I was desperately keen on was going to need a lot more than I could offer. I felt inadequate, inferior. While it had been me that first went to the BDSM place because I was genuinely interested, I felt like a fake, like I wasn’t one of “them” – I wasn’t hardcore like my new man obviously was. On top of that, as I mentioned earlier, I was keen on bondage. But here I was being told that my man would NEVER be Dom to me. I didn’t fully understand the terms, and at that stage I didn’t even know about top/bottom. So to hear this crushed all my dreams of being restrained or him using some force on me. I was so scared that this incredible journey he and I had just embarked on was going to come crumbling down to him going it alone.

Then we decided over SMS that we were officially together as a couple. My fears were just going to have to wait a while!

Welcome to our blog

Hi and welcome to our blog Vanilla Spankos. My girlfriend/Mistress or I will post a bit more of an intro later on, explaining how we met and came together but basically we have a somewhat complicated relationship that has both elements of vanilla and BDSM including domestic discipline but we also occasionally switch and I go Top.

We’ve been together for two months now and it’s been tricky figuring it all out but we’ve stuck with it even when people said it couldn’t be done and we have an amazing relationship now that continues to grow every day and I know will continue to do so for a long time.

It’s not role-playing, it’s not fake – which is a typical criticism of switching. We have rules around it that help us know who’s top and when it’s ok to switch and we’ll share those with you all for those who don’t want a full-time BDSM relationship or want to occasionally switch.

Also we’ll be sharing tips on setting up a home for BDSM, spanking implements and our journey and discovery of BDSM.