So how does our hybrid vanilla/BDSM relationship work?

I know this might seem a bit weird having a diagram and all but it was the best way I could think of to explain how our relationship works with its blend of vanilla and BDSM, domme/sub and switching.

First and foremost we consider ourselves to be in a “normal” vanilla relationship, just boyfriend and girlfriend. Equals. We talk about things, we do things together, have sex, watch movies, help each other, support each other, are cheeky brats to each other.

Our BDSM activities are basically things we do when we’re in the mood or planned sessions like I did with her (yeah I’m going to stop capitalising “her” now) the other night which I’ll write about later.

It works something like this:

Basically three levels – vanilla, top/bottom and domme/sub. The switching part of it is that sometimes I’m Top and she is bottom, but above that she is Domme and I am sub. So basically Domme overrides Top – but we have rules for that to avoid clashes and confusion.

If she is Domme or I am Top at any point in time the other person cannot go Domme or Top. She can’t go straight from bottom to Domme and I can’t go straight from sub to Top. Everything returns to vanilla first.

It’s pretty easy for her to assert her role as Domme when she wants to go to that level – as long as she’s not currently bottom. If she takes things to that level then I’m sub until she releases me from that. If I want to Top then basically the rule is if I go get an implement then that’s the signal that I want to go Top.

That works because for me, going Top is essentially spanking – usually discipline or me just wanting to smack her for the fun of it. It’s more complicate for Domme/sub because she does more stuff with me like making her doing her ironing, dressing her etc but that works fine because Domme is ultimate in this relationship and when she goes Domme then that’s it. If I want to Top (to get her back) I have to wait till she releases me, we return to vanilla … for a bit, and then I can. Though usually it would be a couple of hours or even overnight for the subbie comedown before I feel able to switch from sub to Top.

The longest Top/bottom session I’ve done so far was what I did with her the other night – which I’ll blog about later which lasted just under an hour, but typically just going Top for a quick spanking would be over in 5 minutes. Domme/sub sessions can last a bit longer and go a couple of hours if she’s making me do stuff. Afterwards everything returns back to normal vanilla relationship.