Is it just a phase?

The whole BDSM thing has been going swimmingly but there have been ups and downs, and some quite significant downs too! There were a couple of times when he questioned if he really wanted BDSM anymore or if it had just been a passing phase. At first I took that hard. All the months of psychological anguish and processing and development and hard yards… now I really enjoyed it and he was saying it was all for nothing?! No freaking way! I wasn’t about to let that happen! But a part of me felt he was just feeling down and confused. He loved it so much there is no way it was just a phase. And besides, just because you’re into it doesn’t mean you have to want it all the time! there’s bound to be times when it just doesn’t work for you for numerous possible reasons. I told him my thoughts and was convinced I was right. Sure enough, a little while later I’d spank him and he’d instantly melt with a smile on his face. I knew he was in too deep to be just a phase.

But a few months later he was questioning it again. The times he questioned BDSM were difficult times. He was quite down – whether that was because he was questioning BDSM, or he was questioning BDSM because he was down we don’t know (but I suspect a bit of both if not predominantly the latter). It was difficult seeing him so down. So sad. It was as though he had resigned himself to the fact that it had just been a phase and he was mourning the loss of his interest, and the loss of that part of our relationship.

The second time I didnt feel defensive or resentful. I had grown. I reassured him that I didn’t care if we never played again, as long as I had him. He indicated that was concerned that because our relationship grew from the time I told him about the play party, and grew around us exploring BDSM together, that losing BDSM would adversely affect our relationship. I was adament that I didnt NEED BDSM in my life and that we could always develop other interests we could share as a couple (like, I dunno… maybe sex? hehe). But then he dropped the bombshell… he wasnt worried that I would lose interest in him if he wasn’t into BDSM any more, he was worried that he would lose interest in me!!! OMG! *cue tears* Was he crazy? I’m about ready to give up BDSM cos I love him so much, and I had already given up sex for him, and he is telling me that perhaps without BDSM he wouldn’t want me any more? I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. This was NOT what I was expecting to hear. I had been lovingly reassuring him it was OK and that I loved him more than anything and then he tells me that?! This just didnt seem to fit with my view on our relationship. We got on so well. I was staying at his place almost every night. He seemed to adore me when we would go out with friends. He seemed just in love with me as I was with him. I quietly panicked on the inside that this wasn’t as serious as I had thought. I thought I had found the one. But this just wasn’t measuring up!

I asked him questions to gauge how he felt about me. I encouraged him to explore evidence for and against his fear that he wasn’t into BDSM any more, and for and against the possibility that he would lose interest in me should we no longer play. I asked him about periods of time when we hadn’t had a proper session for a couple of weeks. Had he been bored? Uninterested? Not enjoyed my company as much? “No”, he said. He had not been bored and uninterested in me. He had not felt differently towards me during those times. “So why then would you be uninterested in me if we stopped playing now, if evidence so far indicates that you have not lost interest when BDSM is absent?”. He couldn’t answer that. He could see what I was saying but the logical was of no comfort to him. And that’s when I decided this was an emotional problem and not a problem of loss of interest in BDSM or potential loss of interest in me. This was mood induced. If he didn’t have logic or evidence then the only thing propelling his worries was his emotions. He had no reason to fear what he did, except for the age old doubt “but, what if…”. As a psychologist, I know very well that just because we feel something, doesn’t make it true. You might be worried about something but that doesn’t mean it is something of concern. Often when emotions slide into the depths people, being rational creatures, search for possible explanations to explain the emotions. Anything slightly tangible can become the “uh-huh! that must be it!” and the worry then takes on a life of its own, artificially linked with the negative emotion. There was little I could do but ride it out with him.

Sure enough, it wasn’t long before it was obvious to him just how much he enjoyed spanking. His mood was back to normal and things were just peachy!

Moral of the story: don’t place unrealistic expectations on yourself. Allow yourself to not desire BDSM all day, every day. Give yourself permission to take a break when you don’t feel like it. Life is not black and white. It isn’t an either or. Let it ebb and flow. Don’t fight the tide, just float along with it :)

Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder… of the things that matter

So its been quite some time since either of us have written a blog. Unfortunately, work commitments have kept me overly occupied. Fear not, I intend to write more once those commitments die down a bit.

Well we may have been quiet on the blog but that isnt to say we have been quiet in real life!

A lot has happened since the last post. We stopped having sex altogether after having a very honest discussion about wants and needs and feelings. He was comfortable with BDSM but not with sex. I handed over the reins of that completely and promised to keep my hands to myself to allow him the space he needed to get his head around things. wow, did that change things!

3 months of abstinence kind of drove me crazy, but at the same time it seemed to help me slow down my brain and begin to really enjoy the smaller things so much more. It reminded me of when I was first discovering my sexuality. It was more pure, more exciting, and most important, more loving. Despite the the absence of sex, the knowledge I gleaned from our heart to heart meant I no longer felt insecure about about what the lack of sex meant. I cant stress enough the of important complete honesty and openness is in a relationship!

So sex is back on the agenda, and while its still a rare treat for me, at least I know he isnt doing it only because he feels he has to. It may not be as often as I’d ideally like but I feel I have calmed down and now it is easier to go without it – its more important to me that he is comfortable and happy. I dont want him to touch me to keep me happy, I want him to WANT to explore my body, to be be turned on and driven to touch me. I want HIM to enjoy touching me. Mind you, I said he could have all the time in the world he needed and I would wait, but that he couldn’t just use that as an escape route to never have sex again. He could have all the time he needed on condition he worked on his issues, and of course he was OK with that, he even said it would be disrespectful not to. So that meant my worries about our sex life pretty much faded into the background. I felt so much more secure and patient in the knowledge and the intimacy that such a deep, heart felt talk provided… Now all we need to do is help get him to a place where he enjoys and wants it (as much as me hehe).

Hit or Miss

Many apologies for the lack of posts recently. It sure has been the silly season and Mr Vanilla Spanko has been super busy with work.

We havent played as much as we would like, which is probably in part to do with placing priority on fostering our sexual realtionship, which seemed to be taking a back seat to BDSM. It sure has been nice to focus some more on intimacy and helping him enjoy sex… and now he does. Yay! But that doesnt mean he doesnt still have a running tally and cop the occasional short smacking session. Why, after seeing a movie I couldnt resist pushing him agaisnt the back of his car in the mall’s carpark, with his arms stretched out supporting himself, and gave him several strikes with my hand. Now that was a buzz. I’d always wanted to push him against a car and work him. Bit of a thrill wondering if anyone had seen!

Anyways… back to the topic of this post… hit or miss. Thought it was time to write a post about BDSM not working quite so well. Through no fault on either side, sometimes things just dont quite work.

I’d warned him that he was going to have a weekend detention and that he needed me to “teach him a lesson”. So the following weekend he helped dress me into a tight busines like skirt, a white business shirt, and a black underbust corset. I even wore reading glasses to help add to the look. I was trying hard to set the scene with what I said… detention, naughty boy and other school related talk. I dont know what it was. Maybe neither of us were in the right mood? Maybe we played because we had both wanted to, but not becuase we were both in the right “space”. I told him “the sooner you get this over with, the sooner you can…. go home” and then i couldnt help but laugh. We WERE home! Our little weekend detention was taking place on HIS BED!!! Perhaps he was right, perhaps we needed a separate room with a desk to help get him in his space. Part of his punishment was for incessant swearing. I told him he could not speak to his teacher that way. But then I would let some swear words slip out myself. Even called him “honey” and “baby” a few times accidentally – certainly no way to speak to your student!

I felt bad I hadnt given him a long session in awhile, so while I started with the cane, followed by the crop, I proceeded to use several floggers. I wanted to spend some decent time on him. I really wanted to get him to subbie space and I knew a few whacks with a cane wouldn’t do the trick. But later he told me floggers don’t really fit the whole “teacher/ student” scene so he had trouble getting into his role.

At one stage, I can’t even remember what it was about, he burst out laughing and I couldn’t tell if he was laughing or crying. It seemed a bit of both. He told me he was fine but that was difficult for me to judge. it freaked me out. Should I stop incase he isn’t fine? Should I take his word, and keep going… I think he could take more. I kept going, and turned out he was fine. Laughing, and a few little tears. But who hasnt cried with laughter? It’s just not meant to happen at the hands of your misstress!!!

We havent had a big session since, and to bhonest, I feel a little selfconscious and nervous after the way the last one went.

Mind you, the afternnoon finished whim him “handing in his homework” for me to view. (ie. he got himself off infront of me for the first time). Now that was special. And that certainly worked ;)

Cop that!

I knew he had a thing for domestic discipline and corporal punishment, so I decided to search for a sexy cop outfit. I spent ages searching for the perfect one and once I ordered it online I began taunting him about what I had bought. I told him I had spent nearly $100 on something for play. I told him that it wasnt something he would use. When it arrived he was interstate so I sent a photo of the package to his phone so he could see the size of it. Then I told him I had to check if it “worked” (ie fitted). I spent the next week enjoying dropping hints about the what I had bought, but only hints I knew wouldnt allow him to guess what it was. We scheduled Wednesday afternoon in for play and I had told him it would take me awhile to set it up.

I asked him to check his letter box again before coming in. This time he would find a letter – a “Notice of infringement”.

“Dear Mr Vanilla Spanko. Your vehicle was recorded on some day(s) this week, on some road in the state, doing a speed in excess of the speed limit. You are hereby summonsed to attend court presided by Mistress VS on (date) at (location) where your punishment will be determined. Please proceed to the entrance from whereupon you will be escorted. Yours sincerely, Ms Vanilla Spankos, Jurisdiction of the Kinky Counsel”.

When he arrived home I raced to the door and peered through the peep hole and watched him giggle as he read the letter. He approached the door giggling. I felt so vulnerable! I felt like a turkey dressed up at Christmas… only it wasnt Christmas! My worst fear was that he would take one look at me and laugh. I told him I wouldnt let him in until he stopped laughing. He regained composure, and still nervous as hell I let him in, hiding myself behind the door as I opened it. The I directed him to put his hands up against the wall and I asked if he was carrying any weapons on his body. He said no so I patted him down and then opened his bag and pulled out the new paddle I knew he had brought home that afternoon. “Whats this? I thought you werent carrying a weapon”.

He told me earlier in the day that he had had a very stressful time at work. So I revised my plan for the afternoon and decided to take things slowly to help him get into his subbie role. I ordered him to strip then and there and then I walked him with his hands behind his back to the bathroom where I ordered him to shower with the curtain open so I could observe him.

After the shower I instructed him to kneel before me And I told him that the court was open to persuasion should he think of anything he could do which may help his case. He seemed confused. I tried to clarify by indicating that should he think of anything he could do to please me then his punishment may be reduced. He still seemed confused and seemed to panic. He suggested he could kiss my feet so I allowed him to do this, then subtracted one from his tally. When I asked if there was anything else he really freaked out “like what?”. He was unable to think of anything else and seemed quite stressed about the pressure so I told him that we would begin the punishment but that he would have another opportunity to better his case later on.

I worked him for a long time. Somewhere close to 45 minutes. I used a large number of implements including the crop, two floggers, the new paddle, a strap, a sensual chain and my hand.

But I have a feeling he will again run into trouble with the law ;)

Being faithful, and being a switch

I’m madly in love with my boy and I have absolutely no desire to Domme anyone else. Fortunately for me, my boy thinks likewise (he doesn’t want to be sub to anyone other than me). I think a large part of the reason BDSM works for us is because its with each other – someone we love passionately. It is the object of our desire who inflicts/receives the power play, and that is what makes it such a turn on.

I was surprised recently when a friend of my boy insinuated that he had served her (he hadn’t). I was surprised at just how uncomfortable I felt with that notion. In a sense, the idea of him being sub to anyone else was worse than the idea of him cheating, as him subbing involves his mind and handing over power, and has to be THE most intimate, trust filled experiences I’ve shared with anyone. Sex on the other hand can be dissociated and reduced to a mere physically enjoyable act. (Not that I’m advocating cheating – I know how painful even a purely physically cheating can hurt).

Having decided we dont wish to play with others, we still enjoy attending the occasional play party. We play with each other and a part of us enjoys being watched and the humiliation of him being dominated in front of others. But we decided that we will only attend parties together - not on our own. And as odd as this may sound (heck it even sounds odd to me!), while we dont want to play with others, he and I will play with the resident Dom and Domme at the dungeon. I know I cant possibly give my boy a session like he could get from a resident Dom or Domme so I am happy to let him be worked on by them – I know them and trust them – and they don’t make it sexual. My boy is my sub so he will never be Dom to me. So sometimes I will sub to the resident Dom at the dungeon. My boy is fine with this, and the Dom reckons he loves watching me get spanked and flogged!

But, to me, the most important part about us playing with the Dom and Domme is that we are still doing it as a COUPLE! It isnt merely a selfish act of getting something we want. Its a caring act where one of us wants the other to have such an experience, and we share the experience by both being present. Whats more, we are always both involved. While the Dom/me does the flogging, each of us will be involved with the sensual side and hug and kiss and caress each other during these sessions. In fact, one of the kinkiest sessions we had involved my boy cuffed to the flogging wall, with me between the wall and him so I could kiss him and bite him and hold him. Every now and then the Dom would aim for a part of my body protruding out from under my boy. I would tease the Dom stick my side out, and the Dom would hit me instead of my boy. While the Dom was flogging my boy there was something incredibly exciting about the position I was in where the Dom could hit me at any moment. I was truly a part of my boy’s experience. By gosh did I love that session!!!

I’ll have topping with that…

Read an interesting blog post “Headology” by This Girl; about subbie space, which prompted me to leave a comment. Thought I should also post my thoughts here.

On spacing

I have never spaced and I don’t know if I ever will. I have watched my sub/boyfriend space and he just melts. Watching him in that state is incredible and I just wish that I could also experience it. I have to admit to feeling jealous.

One time at the dungeon when I was on the wall being flogged the master stopped before I really wanted him to. I felt I was getting more relaxed and more into the eroticism (which is a big part of BDSM for me). I had really been focusing on letting go. I don’t know if I was just getting more into it, or if i might have flown away should master have gone longer or harder. He said we will do that again and see if we can get me there. I’d really like to experience it.

Topping (yes please)

But I must say a large part of me wonders if I don’t reach subbie space because the person working me isn’t the one I love. When my bf tops it blows me away. Not spacing. But wow I love it! Seeing him all confident and forceful makes me melt and desperate for more. As soon as he appears aggressive it’s like a switch in my mind has been turned on (and its not the only thing turned on! lol). I love my boy so much. Seeing him aggressive – knowing what he wants and doing what he wants drives me wild.

The other weekend we were mucking around and spontaneously he got all Top on me. OH MY GOD! “take me! take me now”!!! He was so confident – there was no hesitation in his voice or his actions. He was forceful and utterly believable. He held my arms down on the bed. He made me roll over. Heavens I cant even remember everything he did. All I remember really is how excited I was, physically and intellectually by this side of my boy. I have to say it was one of the most highly erotic experiences ever – until my dog decided to join in by licking the side of my neck my boy wasn’t licking. Now I love my dog, really I do. But right then I could have killed him! My boy and I both cracked up laughing and the mood was gone. :(

Last night, several hours after my session on him, he got all Top again. Mmmm mmmm! All he has to do is place his hands on my cheeks and turn my head slightly and I’m silently begging for more. He sat on top of me and I looked up at him desiring him to do as he pleased with me. Now unlike my boy, I’m not so much into the pain aspect of BDSM. I like bondage and restraint, I like the power play, and I love the sensual play. So when he gets all top I find myself hoping he will use me sexually. I love it when he talks dirty to me. Last night he called me filthy. To which I replied “I’m only as filthy as your d!ck!” – the thought of which only turned me on more! When he calls me a b!tch I tell him to say it louder. I want him to whisper nasty things in my ear, I want him to tell me from above. Most of all I want him to make me give it to him. And that’s if he doesn’t take it for himself ;)

I’m so proud of my boy and how much confidence he has gained in the bedroom department. I can’t wait to see where it takes us! Blow me away!

Vanilla v’s kink – the juggling act

So, exploring the psychological challenges I’ve faced on my journey of discovery of BDSM I think its essential I share my fears regarding vanilla v’s kink.

When we first got together I was well acquainted with vanilla sex. I had been in several long term relationships and had the odd dalliance with those more casual. He, on the other hand, was a fresh little cherry, ripe for the picking.

Alternatively, I had had little previous exposure to BDSM while he had several years under his belt of saturating himself in the spanking world. He knew all the terms, he used acronyms which made no sense to me.

So, if you tend to want more of the things you are most comfortable with and used to, I guess you could say we were coming from two different perspectives. I wanted vanilla sexual experiences with a bit of BDSM on the side. He wanted BDSM and sex was not a priority. I guess this difference was bound to create some sort of issue between us.

The issue presented itself to me in the form of insecurity. Now you’re all probably rolling your eyes and hating the fact girls seem to have so many insecurities. I hate it too! I spent many months fighting these thoughts and fears mostly on my own – I did not want to make him feel pressured to go from 0-100miles an hour in the vanilla sexual stakes.

In some ways, going slowly has been an absolute gift. It sure beats the usual “kiss, f@ck, and get the guy off” routine from so many previous vanilla relationships. Focusing on the small physical pleasures is empowering. I treasure the extended foreplay. But when foreplay doesn’t lead to sex, as is what I’m used to… and when BDSM play is always on the cards, but foreplay and sex isn’t… I find it all too easy to worry his BDSM kink is more of a fetish – that is, its the only thing he wants, and that perhaps he doesn’t want me and my body in a vanilla way?

So you can imagine. He goes to great effort to do a BDSM session on me. I get all excited and he ended up uninterested. I desperately wanted to be intimate with him after having been away, and he said he wasn’t in the mood. I cried. I felt so lonely. So scared. In essence, I felt rejected.

Once again, it just shows the importance of communicating. While I felt desperately sad and scared he wasnt interested in vanilla with me, he told me that its not the case, but that he has his own issues regarding sex to work through. I explained that if he told me what those issues where then maybe I could help, and at the very least not feel like it was because of ME. The very knowledge that he has issues regarding sex gave me some level of understanding, as I had thought he had resolved them.

So i really cant stress enough – SHARE EVERYTHING! If you have an issue, talk to them about it. But make sure you own it. Dont hang it on the other person. Claim it as your issue. “I feel”. This doesnt mean that you cant discuss ways the other person could help lessen your issue, if their behaviour is impacting on it. It’s not absolving them from all responsibility. But its being wise enough to understand that just because you feel a certain way, doesnt make it true. And even if the other person’s issue is irrational, or unfounded, you can still reach out to the other person and let them know you care about their feelings, even if you dont understand their concern.

So – how did we resolve our difference in appetites for vanilla v’s BDSM? Well – i guess thats a work in progress. I expect that as he works through his issues regarding sex, and as it becomes more familiar to him that his interest in it will grow. I clutch at that belief with all my might LOL! I know how far he has progressed in the past few months, from only getting turned on from being spanked, to getting turned on at the drop of a hat! I have to continue to be understanding that he needs time and patience. He needs to be compassionate towards my insecurities and offer some kind of reassurance while we continue to take things slowly. In other words, we both need to be mindful of each others needs, and find ways to address those needs, even if we are currently unable to meet them.

3 vital ingredients for a successful relationship:

1. Good COMMUNICATION

2. Empathy – put yourself in their place and care about their well being

3. Compassion – make allowances for issues to arise, take the other persons’ concerns on board, and allow for the other person to go through rough patches… and reach out to them when they do!  Love and accept them even WITH their flaws.

Breaking the fear barrier

Being a psychologist, it’s no surprise to know I’m a deeply caring sort of person who has a natural ability to empathise with others.  I’m the kind of person who goes out of her way to care for others, and sometimes at my own expense.  So how on earth could I get my head around BDSM?

One of the first sessions I watched was a woman who is referred to as a “pain slut”.  She can take one hell of a caning!  It took every mental effort while watching her to fight my automatic empathic responses and NOT to put myself in her place and feel her pain and turmoil.  Watching her scream out in agony, begging her mistress to stop, and sobbing, I found it very difficult not to feel I was watching someone actually being tortured, and thus I knew I was effectively experiencing vicarious “trauma”.  I felt sick in the stomach with worry and concern and I fought back the tears (though later succumbed).  The other dungeon master, and my Dom for awhile, caring whispered explanations in my ear throughout her session.  I told him my thoughts and concerns and he helped by predicting the things she would say during her session, and what she would say afterwards. He reassured me that her begging to stop was part of the experience for her. It wasnt “real”, it just created the experience she needed to get to subbie space.  After her session she was apologising profusely when she saw me crying.  She was worried that watching her play had upset me.  She talked to me and told me that she loves what just happened to her in the session and that she could even have taken more.   Hearing her talk helped my brain to marry up the torture-like appearance with the fact that it was play.

Then came the issue of tackling my “look after others” approach to life.  Here I was, falling in love with a beautiful man and wanting to nurture him, and yet I was holding a paddle knowing he wanted me to hit him? At first it was very difficult. Now, I wasnt hitting him only because he wanted me to. I like the Domme role. There was something sexy about it. It just happens that it a polar opposite to my core personality.  When we played I didnt play very hard with him. I knew he wanted pain but I didnt want to hurt him – you know – hurt him more than he wanted. I was frightened of hurting him. Inside I just wanted to wrap him up in cotton wool and protect him from all the stresses in his life.  I spose thats partly what helped me over come my fear of causing him pain – a good spanking HELPED him deal with stress!  Knowing that helped me have the motivation to push through my fear of hurting him. But I really struggled.

We explored ways to help me push through the fear barrier. Now everyone who plays knows you have a “safe word”, but most people would also know that when youre in the hot spot you do everything you can not to use it. I knew, from experience, it was possible to try not to use the safe-word and realise later you should have. I didnt want this to happen when I played with him.  The safe word wasnt enough for me. I could not rest easy just relying on that. 

After a while we settled on a system that worked brilliantly. 1-10 pain rating.  To help me learn where his limits are and how hard to play I would ask him to rate the intensity of the pain on a scale from 1-10 after each hit, or after each of my “hard” hits.  Times I thought I might have hit too hard I was surprised to learn it was only a 7.  This meant I felt comfortable to push him further and had a better idea when to stop. I wasnt stabbing around in the dark anymore, I had some guidance.

These days I only infrequently ask him for the pain rating. I dont like to ruin the play session by bringing him out of his head space to answer that question. But sometimes I will. And sometimes I think it can help his head space.  Should he tell me truthfully that the pain was only a 7 when he knows this means I will go harder?

Having a much better understanding of which implements cause which amount of pain now, I am far more comfortable playing harder.  I’ve fought back my desire to care for him, knowing that he adores me giving it to him as hard as I want, and I am now able to leave that fear aside and a risk reaching a 10.  In the end, even if it does hurt him beyond what I may wish to, I know mentally he would get off knowing I had done that to him. We are now comfortable and strong enough to handle breaking the fear barrier, and now he knows there is no longer that barrier I bet you it makes him more anxious and heightens the experience.

 

Sacale 1-10

1 = “Did you even hit me you lame arse b!tch?”

7 = the minimum level I like when administering reprimands “I’ll make you sorry boy”

9 = “Hail oh mistress take mercy”

10 = safe-word level – stop

It’s all in my head

I am keen to explore the emotional/relationship side of things in my blogs – so here goes…

Its coming up to 3 months since Mr and I got together.  That’s 3 months during which I have gone on a long journey exploring BDSM, my thoughts, my feelings, and my relationship.  For a long time I felt like I couldn’t possibly provide him with what he needed.  Our relationship was new, and I was new at BDSM – it took me a little while to feel comfortable being in the Domme role.  While it wasn’t acting per se, it was definitely bringing another side of me to the surface.  A side of me that hadn’t come out before , that didn’t know how to be in that role, and I therefor felt very vulnerable and extremely self conscious.  We took baby steps and each play session I would go longer or harder, try something new, or put more into my “character”.  After each play session usually always chat about how it went. What  did we each like about the session, or were the bits that were good but could be improved?  The constructive criticism is always framed in a positive way, such as “i really like when you did this. I think if you do that a bit harder it would be even better” as opposed to saying “you need to go harder” or “doing it that soft doesn’t work for me”. As he and I shared more our fantasies and desires verbally, and grew to know each other more deeply my self confidence in my role of Domme increased.

Of course… that very first time I got him to subbie space was the turning point for me. I had feared that I would never be able to get him there, and that he would only ever share this with the dungeon master, and that i would never be a part of this intimate experience with him. Being in his (our) home, chaining him to the kitchen cupboard, everything I did being my idea, it being the result of MY hands that got him there… there was only me and him. This was proof I could do it. This, to me, was proof we could make it in a vanilla relationship with BDSM play.  This was a turning point. Now when we played it didn’t feel like i was putting myself through a practical exam which I feared I would fail. I was less self conscious and much more able to focus on his moans and enjoy watching my boy melt in my hands. I was able to take pride in that and gain a satisfying sense of power. But best of all… I was going on this journey WITH him!

Things progressed swimmingly. I enjoyed exploring more and trying new things. So after reading some spanking blogs my boy enjoys reading regularly I was shocked that I felt scared and vulnerable and not good enough all over again.  Now, oddly, I have always had a “thing” against pornography (and depending on the porn i still do! I’m a feminist after all).  When I started realising my sexuality when I was 17 I entered counselling as I had many “hang ups”. Sex for pleasure is bad. Kissing is bad. As for guys masturbating… well, I had to call it the “M word” cos i couldn’t even bring myself to say it. As for me masturbating - that was unthinkable.  Tthese things frightened me to death. And here I was, 10 years later, feeling sick in the stomach all over again?

Desperate not to hang my sh!t on my precious boy I tired desperately not to tell him that I was a little freaked out about him reading other’s spanking blogs, and checking these pics and watching these vids. But he knew something was wrong. I at least have the sense to acknowledge how precious it is that he shares such personal things with me. I am privileged to receive such immense trust and I love him dearly for it!. I know its not HIS problem and that he isn’t actually doing anything wrong.  But why do I feel like it IS wrong?  I began trying to make sense of my jumbled irrational and rational thoughts and try and bring some order to my mental chaos.  Part of the chaos started to fall into line.  Now I haven’t been able to resolve me feelings about porn. Perhaps I’m threatened? That he will be more attarcted to the women in the videos who arent overweight like I am. That he will wish he was playing with them cos they do it better. That he may prefer to watch these things than to have vanilla sexual time with me. Those are my best guesses but I still havent figured it out. 

During my deep reflections, however, I began to realise that I was primarily freaking out from reading what other people had written, or seeing what others were into. So full on!!! Knowing he follows the blogs I just assumed he must be that full on too. And it scared me. I’m not that full on and I don’t wish to be. There are some places I dont want to go.  I read things that people have written about rules or “how things are” in the BDSM world and felt uncomfortable with them or even considered them extreme or misguided to the point that it sounded unhealthy to me (I’m not narrow minded but I am a psychologist). Again, knowing he follows the blogs I just assumed he must think the same way.

Case in point – COMMUNICATE!  The next day after gathering my thoughts I talked to him about these fears.  We were able to establish that he isn’t as full on and that we seem to be more on the same wavelength when it comes to our views on BDSM. Relief! Realisation – we do have a great BDSM relationship as I had originally thought.

Then I realised that the only time I really had any problems with the BDSM aspect of our lives is when I think outside the relationship. When I look at the wider world and it makes me question what we have and do.  I promptly decided to focus on US ans US alone. If he and I are happy then who cares what other people say? There are NO hard and fast rules for this BDSM game. Life is what you make it and so to is our BDSM play.

And since then it’s been even better :)

The twelve – delivered!

The build up to the play session started when I smsed Him at work around 2pm. “your arse will be at best 50% by tonight”.  He now knew I was planning to play.  I had previously thought of an idea for play that I thought would work really well.  I hadn’t had the chance to do it previously but knew I could today. I was super excited. “check the letter box when you get home, before you come inside”, I smsed him a little later in the day – but not much later – I wanted him to spend the afternoon preoccupied wondering what would be in the letter box and wondering what I had planned.  I knew he was squirming and I giggled with satisfaction.
 
We had recently had a little “bump” in our relationship which we managed to work through, but He seemed worried that I would play extra hard as some form of retribution.  He told me he was scared. FINALLY! Finally he admitted to being scared.  All that lip and bad attitude of his that earned him 12 – saying I wasn’t scary and I couldn’t hurt a fly.  I enjoyed the fact he was nervous, but I assured him I would never let any issues in our relationship enter into BDSM play – that would be unhealthy and could be dangerous. I take my responsibility as Domme and looking after him as my sub VERY seriously. I told him that I would never punish him for relationship issues, and reminded him that this punishment was for his defiant attitude while I was away the week before. He threatened to go home and hide all our implements before I came over but I informed him that I would already be there when he got home from work.
 
I went to his place, an apartment in a large block of flats, and placed his collar in his letterbox on the footpath outside the stairs to his flat.  On top of the collar I placed a hand written note, “You will find your collar in the letter box. You are to put this on before coming to the door. You are not to use your key but are to wait to be let in.  Upon entering you are to ask me appropriately for the reprimand you earned.”  I waited inside the flat feeling giggly and excited.  At one stage I could have sworn I head his car pull in, but there was no knock at the door.   I was thorooughly enjoying the though of him outside, gingerly putting on his collar, afraid of coming face to face with a neighbour and getting caught out. Then the knock came. I had been waiting for this knock all afternoon, and now, suddenly, I was quietly freaking out! “the pressure is on now! I must make this good”, “oh sh!t – now what shall I do?”.  I struggled to gain control of the massive grin on my face before opening the door but it was a losing battle. I opened the door. 
 
There he stood, his handsome sexy self wearing his collar and looking a little embarrassed.  He impressed me when he dropped to his knees in the door way, not yet inside in private, and told me he had been bad and could I please punish him. I asked him what he had done that was bad and he correctly replied he had had a bad attitude.  I told him to stand up and come inside. I shut the door behind him then guided him to the door and pushed him against the door.  Usually I play around with his bum before I strike it but this time I grabbed a paddle and gave it a good whack. He cried out.  I’m sure the shock of how quickly it all happened hit him harder than the paddle. I gave him another whack. Then I led him to the bedroom.
 

In the bedroom I lay down on the bed and instructed him to undress completely. I knew he would feel a little awkward being naked and I secretly enjoyed the thought of him being uncomfortable.  I requested a drink and allowed him to have one also. He did well, remembering to give me my drink before he had his and he got down on one knee and offered me the glass with both hands.  I soon put him out of his misery and took off his collar and instructed him to shower but not to dress.
 
When he came out of the shower I was sitting back using his computer. He went and got his collar, put it on, and came and knelt beside me. I hadn’t finished what I was doing so I told him he had to wait.  When I had finished I made him crawl on all fours into the bedroom and then lie face down on the bed.   I asked what implement he would like me to use for his next 4 strikes. He indicated the long leather strap.  So I told him I would use the tawse, and then I blind folded him.  He flinched and writhed as I proceeded – not with the tawse as he expected, but with some sensual play using a thin ball chain trailing across his body. He knew the punishment was coming and the longer I played the more he flinched waiting for that first strike. I made sure to continue the sensual play while I administered the first strike. I didn’t want him to have any warning as to when it was coming and I knew he wouldn’t expect me to do 2 things at once. After the 4th strike I lay on top of him on the bed and ground my pelvis over his arse. I grabbed his hair and pulled his head back to ask him a question. Upon his reply I pushed his face back down into the pillow. I was really enjoying this, and he was moaning with pleasure.
 
After this , I asked him to put on his sexy hot new tight jeans he told me baught super tight, specifically for my pleasure! Oh my gosh he is so sweet! Then I told him to put on his wrist cuffs himself for a change, and I attached a chain between the cuffs and attached that chain also to a dog lead hanging from his neck. Then we went to the kitchen where i chained him to the overhead cupboard and asked him to stick his butt out.  This time I asked which implement he would like and I used it – the paddle. 3 strikes on his sexy butt in his new hot tight jeans. YUM! I then helped him make dinner but he made it while chained. He was about to serve dinner when I said I would like a drink and he replied “after i finish serving”. I queried his defiance and he again said “but I’m doing this”. to which I replied “I don’t care what you are doing. If i ask you for a drink then that is what you are doing”.  He continued to serve. I started counting.  he raced to the fridge and only accrued another 2 to his tally. After dinner he pushed his luck by going to the computer, sitting down and proceeding to use it.  I was warning him the whole time and he cheekily replied he had actually started to use it yet. I told him that he knew what he had to do if he wanted to use the computer. He begrudgingly came over and asked if he could use it. I told him he could wait 2 minutes. I thought that was light on, but he got all grumpy and sulky and I ended up having to order him to sit down and stay still.

After watching a short DVD it was back to the bedroom for his final 5 strikes. This time i put his hands behind his back and cuffed them there, then, as he stood facing the end of the bed I forcefully pushed him so he fell face first onto the bed, bending over. His arse was exposed as I had requested he drop his pants before I bent him over, and I told him I would now use the leather strap which he had requested in the beginning for 2 strikes, and that the final 3 would be delivered with the large wooden paddle.  He accepted the first two rather well but then he squirmed waiting for the paddle, knowing they would be the hardest of the 14 he would receive that night. mmmm It was good to watch him moan in pleasure and pain.  After cuddling though, having finished our play, I could resist putting a dog clip on his nipple… and then licking it. This sent him right off with delight and I decided we’ll use that again!
 
wow! what a night!  That had to be one of the most enjoyable sessions so far! And whats exciting is that we both know I will only go on to include more humiliation and creativity!  Bring it on!