Vanilla v’s kink – the juggling act

So, exploring the psychological challenges I’ve faced on my journey of discovery of BDSM I think its essential I share my fears regarding vanilla v’s kink.

When we first got together I was well acquainted with vanilla sex. I had been in several long term relationships and had the odd dalliance with those more casual. He, on the other hand, was a fresh little cherry, ripe for the picking.

Alternatively, I had had little previous exposure to BDSM while he had several years under his belt of saturating himself in the spanking world. He knew all the terms, he used acronyms which made no sense to me.

So, if you tend to want more of the things you are most comfortable with and used to, I guess you could say we were coming from two different perspectives. I wanted vanilla sexual experiences with a bit of BDSM on the side. He wanted BDSM and sex was not a priority. I guess this difference was bound to create some sort of issue between us.

The issue presented itself to me in the form of insecurity. Now you’re all probably rolling your eyes and hating the fact girls seem to have so many insecurities. I hate it too! I spent many months fighting these thoughts and fears mostly on my own – I did not want to make him feel pressured to go from 0-100miles an hour in the vanilla sexual stakes.

In some ways, going slowly has been an absolute gift. It sure beats the usual “kiss, f@ck, and get the guy off” routine from so many previous vanilla relationships. Focusing on the small physical pleasures is empowering. I treasure the extended foreplay. But when foreplay doesn’t lead to sex, as is what I’m used to… and when BDSM play is always on the cards, but foreplay and sex isn’t… I find it all too easy to worry his BDSM kink is more of a fetish – that is, its the only thing he wants, and that perhaps he doesn’t want me and my body in a vanilla way?

So you can imagine. He goes to great effort to do a BDSM session on me. I get all excited and he ended up uninterested. I desperately wanted to be intimate with him after having been away, and he said he wasn’t in the mood. I cried. I felt so lonely. So scared. In essence, I felt rejected.

Once again, it just shows the importance of communicating. While I felt desperately sad and scared he wasnt interested in vanilla with me, he told me that its not the case, but that he has his own issues regarding sex to work through. I explained that if he told me what those issues where then maybe I could help, and at the very least not feel like it was because of ME. The very knowledge that he has issues regarding sex gave me some level of understanding, as I had thought he had resolved them.

So i really cant stress enough – SHARE EVERYTHING! If you have an issue, talk to them about it. But make sure you own it. Dont hang it on the other person. Claim it as your issue. “I feel”. This doesnt mean that you cant discuss ways the other person could help lessen your issue, if their behaviour is impacting on it. It’s not absolving them from all responsibility. But its being wise enough to understand that just because you feel a certain way, doesnt make it true. And even if the other person’s issue is irrational, or unfounded, you can still reach out to the other person and let them know you care about their feelings, even if you dont understand their concern.

So – how did we resolve our difference in appetites for vanilla v’s BDSM? Well – i guess thats a work in progress. I expect that as he works through his issues regarding sex, and as it becomes more familiar to him that his interest in it will grow. I clutch at that belief with all my might LOL! I know how far he has progressed in the past few months, from only getting turned on from being spanked, to getting turned on at the drop of a hat! I have to continue to be understanding that he needs time and patience. He needs to be compassionate towards my insecurities and offer some kind of reassurance while we continue to take things slowly. In other words, we both need to be mindful of each others needs, and find ways to address those needs, even if we are currently unable to meet them.

3 vital ingredients for a successful relationship:

1. Good COMMUNICATION

2. Empathy – put yourself in their place and care about their well being

3. Compassion – make allowances for issues to arise, take the other persons’ concerns on board, and allow for the other person to go through rough patches… and reach out to them when they do!  Love and accept them even WITH their flaws.